Wednesday, July 25, 2007

News Flash: Matt Damon is a tool.

In claiming that Jason Bourne is so much better than James Bond, Damon said:
"I don't get paychecks from Bond movies."
No, wait, that's not what he said. He said:
Bond is "an imperialist and he's a misogynist. He kills people and laughs and sips martinis and wisecracks about it,"
Well, Matt, that's what people like about James Bond. They want the hero of their escapist fantasy to smoke a half dozen SMERSH heavies after an epic car/gondola/snowmobile/autogyro chase, make a joke, and get hammered on martinis. If they wanted their hero to be tortured in his soul after being forced to carry out his duty, they'd be reading the After Action Reviews and psychology articles in law enforcement trade magazines, not standing in line to get tickets for the latest Bond movie at the Cinema Gargantuplex. You want to know three more reasons why Bond is totally cooler than Bourne?

  1. Jason Bourne doesn't have an Aston Martin with machine guns in the bumpers and an ejector seat.
  2. Jason Bourne never chucked Richard Keel off a cable car.
  3. Jason Bourne never totally wiped out a secret underground base with an army of friggin' rappelling ninjas.
Plus, although he may not know all that kung fu, I've seen Bond shoot down a helicopter with a .22; he would totally pwn Jason Bourne.

This is why people still go to James Bond movies after all these years. Sure, they're formulaic, but like Eleanor Ringel said "Going to a James Bond movie is like going to the zoo; either you're happy to see the giraffes again or you're not." Obviously, folks are still happy to see the giraffes.


CM said...

Actually, the rifle he used in From Russia with Love was .25..

Another plus for the Bond movies, you can actually see what's happening in the fight scenes.

Anonymous said...

Ah, Mr. Damon, I thought I noticed a spectre on your shoulder. The spectre of smug ginormous ego. On a personal note, I'd probably pay to watch Sean Connery come out of retirement to read his grocery list on the big screen, but I'll wait for the next Bourne adventure to come on TV if I see it at all.

Yes to Chris, I believe in the film it was described as the somewhat non-existent AR-8 in .25 caliber. AR-7s show up from time to time in film and always are a helluva lot more impressive than in reality. I recall Charles Bronson and George C. Scott using one as well in different films in manners of pure fantasy. My brothers and I share custody of one of those original Armalites that belonged to my father. Fun to assemble and plink with, but definitely not a chopper stopper. It sure looks like something a spy should have in his brief case though.

Anonymous said...

Tams (freely parsed): Bond . . . would totally pwn Jason Bourne.
Or, more sucinctly, in a stand up contest, Would Jason Bourne beat James Bond? Hummmm - - A question for the ages. Seems almost congruent with a similar question posed in the 1986 movie, "Stand By Me"

Vern: You think Mighty Mouse could beat up Superman?
Teddy: What are you, cracked?
Vern: No, I saw him on TV the other day, he was holding five elephants in one hand.
Teddy: Boy, you don't know nothing. Mighty Mouse is a cartoon. Superman's a real guy. There's no way a cartoon could beat up a real guy.
Vern: I guess you're right. It'd be a good fight though.

But, since Jason Bourne and Bond, James Bond are both cartoon characters - - -


David Neylon said...

After watching George Lazenby sobbing over a dead Diana Riggs I pretty much lost my taste for Bond movies.

Anonymous said...

Actually, Bond never did chuck Richard Keel off a cable car, He and Miss Goodhead jumped off at the last minute and Jaws crashed into the wheel-house.

NotClauswitz said...

James Bond is not Joseph Conrad. I do recall reading a Bond novel (OHMSS) serialzed in cartoon form in a foreign paper, but he didn't originate in Toonville. For that matter the Beatles were cartoon characters I used to watch, but the Monkeys were live and better.

Anonymous said...

Thanks to Matt Stone and Trey Parker, I'm never able to look at Matt Damon and hear anything coming out of his mouth other than "Matt Damon".

Anonymous said...

I'm still hung up on MATT DAMONs use of the word "imperialist".

I'd like to know what he thinks that word means. I don't think I ever saw Bond sent to the heart of darkness to keep the wogs in line.

Anonymous said...

I'll add yet another reason - albeit a personal one - to your list of reasons why Bond pwns Jason Bourne: I never fell asleep during a Bond movie. Even the really dumb ones with Roger Moore and Timothy Dalton.

On the other hand: A friend and I went to see The Bourne Supremacy when it came out. I dozed off for about ten minutes midway through the show; John actually fell asleep during the climactic Muscovite car chase.

And, memo to David: In all fairness to George Lazenby, I'd be crying over a dead Diana Rigg, too. She personified both beauty and class, which is a downright rare combination. Especially these days.

--Wes S.

HollyB said...

I will grant that it was an unfortunate remark and his ego and self righteousness seem to have grown by leaps and bounds in recent years.
However, I simply cannot forget his contribution to the GREAT Kevin Smith flick, "DOGMA". I realize he was only delivering the lines Kevin wrote, but still...he did a good job in that one.

Matt G said...

PDB, you're reading my mail; you posted --almost word for word-- what I was about to type.

In most of his roles, Bond is fighting the unabashedly imperialist Cold War Soviet Union.

To quote The Princess Bride:

Inigo Montoya: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."

Matt Damon's a real actor. He's good. And he apparently has expended a LOT of effort to fill the Bourne character: He took a lot of weapons courses, and spent half a year in boxing classes to try to move like a fighter. He's got a real gift for acting, from what I can see.

But on this issue, he's a serious knob.

Anonymous said...

And Connery is still be bestest Bond ever!

Anonymous said...

Both movies are good in different ways. Is that really so difficult for him to understand?

Owen said...

Bond is a misogynist?

He doesn't appear to hate women in the movies I've seen. In fact, I'm pretty sure he loves them!

Anonymous said...

Bond didn't shoot down the helicopter in From Russia With Love. He shot the guy with the grenade, who dropped it inside the 'copter, where it blew up.

(channeling Homer Simpson)

Mmmmmm......Daniela Bianchi.....