Saturday, February 14, 2009

While we're passing out imaginary money...

I figure I should get a chunk of stimulus, too. Sec. 2002 III A of the bill should read:

wireless and broadband deployment grant programs

(including transfer of funds to Tamara for the Tamara Personal Economic Stimulus Program)

    For necessary and unnecessary expenses related to the Wireless and Broadband Deployment Grant Programs established by section 6002 of division B of this Act, $2,825,000,000, of which $1,000,000,000 shall be for Wireless Deployment Grants and $1,825,000,000 shall be for Broadband Deployment Grants: Provided, That an additional $75,000,000 shall be paid directly to Tamara in the form of subsidized loans that do not require repayment. Provided Further, That the funds be used by Tamara to acquire an arsenal that would make the Red Army tremble, buy a microbrewery, fund bogus research proving smoking is good for you, purchase a lifetime supply of picanha or for whatever. Provided Even Further, That Tamara will receive free Linkin Park tickets for life. Provided Even Further Still, That Tamara shall be treated as a cabinet-level appointment for the purpose of income tax reporting, and therefore no taxes shall be paid on any of the aformentioned benefits. And one more thing: Charles Schumer is hereby expelled from Congress, effective immediately upon enactment.



Go stimulate yourselves. I mean on the internet. No, no... not there! Over at Reason Magazine.

(H/T to the Atomic Nerds.)

15 comments:

Turk Turon said...

I have no problem with any of that.

And while they're at it, could they pay off my mortgage?

farmist said...

As long as we, your minions, get to help with the shooty goodness, I'm down with that.

Ted said...

"Stimulate yourself on the Internet." Heh.

Me, I want a Bacon stimulus. I mean, what is a pork bill without some, you know, actual pork?

rickn8or said...

It's not a nickel less than you deserve, either.

Les Jones said...

You beat me to it. And I picked Schumer, too. :-)

Anonymous said...

75 million. Piker.

Linkin Park. Linkin Park?

Tam said...

I had Linkin Park on the brain. I listened to Meteora and Hybrid Theory cranked to 11 on the drive home from Lafayette last night.

The Mad Lib said "Favorite music group, sports team, or live TV show?" and, not being twelve years old, I don't have a "favorite" any one of those things, so I tossed out the first group that came to mind.

mts1 said...

The only darn part of the bill that makes a bit of sense.

WV: reast, what the financial chickens will do, hopefully not before someone can come along(i.e. get elected) to veer this runaway truck into a truck escape ramp instead of over the hill into the town below.

Anonymous said...

I wonder how a person could get more stimulus money for themself.

JPG said...

Outstanding plan, Tams. So excellent, in fact, that I believe you should go ahead and make arrangements to have the entire thing properly administered. In light of which, I hereby submit my application to be your supreme representative and administrator in charge of acquisition of the aforesaid arsenal. I shall of course need my own staff to assist me in traveling to gun shows, shops, museums and other locales, to locate, acquire, transport, inventory, test, demonstrate, maintain, and house your collection.

I anticipate that the terms of the grant will be so structured that title to said arsenal and contents will rest solely with yourself, with no public ownership whatsoever.

Please let me know when you want me to assume my new duties.

JPG

Cowboy Blob said...

Oh, baby, I'm stimulated alright.

Back to reality: wordverf = CRIZE

Anonymous said...

Tam, look for a sci-fi novel called "Pallus" (spelling?). Tells the story of a moon colony. Anyhoo, everyone smokes because it has been proven to be healthy. They also carry guns...
Larry W

Tam said...

Pallas, by El Neal.

GWTW it ain't, but it's a rollicking fun read all the same. :)

Assrot said...

wireless and broadband deployment grant programs

(including transfer of funds to Assrot for the Assrot Personal Economic Stimulus Program)

For necessary and unnecessary expenses related to the Wireless and Broadband Deployment Grant Programs established by section 6002 of division B of this Act, $2,825,000,000, of which $1,000,000,000 shall be for Wireless Deployment Grants and $1,825,000,000 shall be for Broadband Deployment Grants: Provided, That an additional $350000000000 shall be paid directly to Assrot in the form of subsidized loans that do not require repayment. Provided Further, That the funds be used by Assrot to Development of .500 S&W Magnum Caliber Penis or for whatever. Provided Even Further, That Assrot will receive free Fringe tickets for life. Provided Even Further Still, That Assrot shall be treated as a cabinet-level appointment for the purpose of income tax reporting, and therefore no taxes shall be paid on any of the aformentioned benefits. And one more thing: Ted (The Fatass Fucking Drunk) Kennedy is hereby expelled from Congress, effective immediately upon enactment.

Michael said...

You're doing it wrong!

"And one more thing: Every democratic and republican congressman/woman is hereby expelled from Congress, effective immediately upon enactment."