Saturday, April 18, 2009

Movie Idea:

Since Disney has always shown a willingness to pilfer the classics for their next movie, I'm proposing an animated Moby Dick. Of course, children these days all know that whales are harmless creatures who sing and that hunting is bad, so we'll make the viewpoint character a young Moby.

He'll be a moody and misunderstood kid who gets abused by mean sailors after accidentally bumping their ship. Some introspective preteen mopery follows, complete with a song, maybe "Why Do They All Chase Me, Mother Gaia?" He'll also need a sidekick/voice-of-wisdom character. Perhaps a talking albatross, who can explain that sailors are a touchy lot; why, once one shot at him with a crossbow!

In the climactic scene, he accidentally sinks the Pequod due to adolescent clumsiness while trying to make amends for the earlier encounter, but finally makes himself clear to a floundering Ahab, who can't swim so hot. The peg-legged differently-abled captain rides on his back, singing a duet about friendship with our whale as Moby swims into the sunset, towing a raft with the Pequod's sailors aboard, who act as the chorus for the song.

Whaddaya think? Will it sell? I'm thinking the royalties from plush whale toys and Ahab action figures ("With Real Harpooning Action!") alone would be a mint. And the ending is wide open for sequels if we wind up with a real money machine on our hands...

29 comments:

Matthew said...

You scare me.

John B said...

She been scaring me for close to two years....

crankylitprof said...

Sadly, I think Dreamworks might go for this.

But only if you throw in a collection of vile polluters that are killing the ocean and dumping medical waste -- or some sort of anthropomorphic, greenhouse-gas spewing tugboat out to destroy wildlife and make the oceans rise so he has more places to float.

We can to this, Tam. Have your people call my people, we'll lunch.

Anonymous said...

Oh, man!!! I am SO doen wid dis. Just the Hollywood work-up documentary of the 'making' will be Academy worthy.

Lessee, Mickey Rourke for sumthin' in it...cause he's the New Hollywood Offical Kool, ya know?

J, t R

Tam said...

The thing that disturbs me is that I can see this all so well in my head.

Especially the finale, with Moby and Ahab towing the raft of singing sailors into the sunset... I can picture that as well as I can any scene from The Little Licensing Machine... er, Mermaid.

Anonymous said...

The Joisy Boy in me really wants to say "I gots ya Harpooning Action right HERE baybee" but that would be almost as wrong as Moby Dick by Teh Diz....

Inspired Tam, it really is.

PZ

the pawnbroker said...

caleb as ahab, of course, him being differently abled...and you know he'd be up for the show tunes.

jtc

theirritablearchitect said...

Tam,

Just one question, who's playing Queequeg?

jtc,

Man, that showtunes comment is going to leave a mark!

staghounds said...

Morgan Freeman, of course.

The only problem is that you need a new title.

Otherwise there will be people lining up for a refund, on the basis of

"False advertising! This movie is about a WHALE!"

Joseph said...

Tam,

Not only a great idea for a money maker- I mean environmentally progressive movie-sales from the soundtrack, plush toys, action toys, etc. will make you a rich woman, easily able to afford the M2 of your dreams. And a range to shoot it on.

Oh, and call the albatross buddy...Bobbi!

Billll said...

Call the albatross Bo, and have the Pequods cook constantly working over a smokey stove that makes the sailing ship belch clouds of polluting black gunk.

Stranger said...

It could not possibly be any worse than the mess Disney made of Felix Salten's Bambi.

Stranger

Anonymous said...

You have got to work in unicorns somehow. And rainbows. And tax cuts.

gregg

Anonymous said...

Gregg: Moby's bestest friend is a Narwhale (Sea Unicorn?) and the rainbows are in the final scene.

sennin

Anonymous said...

oops ... that should be Narwhal ... my bad. sry

sennin

WV: ticaloba - results of brain surgery?

Jeff said...

I'm just keeping my fingers crossed for a remastered release of Song of the South on DVD. =)

Rabbit said...

Ask, and ye shall receive.

http://www.amazon.com/Song-South-Ruth-Warrick/dp/B00003CX5G/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=dvd&qid=1240079081&sr=1-1

Peter said...

And as part of the climax, Caleb/Ahab pulls his LDA......and it jams!

tjbbpgobIII said...

Then a little ways down the road some middle age whiney new age dumb ass will crawl over the fence at seaworld or somewhere to pet the whale and will be swallowed like Jona and not spit out.

Roberta X said...

Joseph, I'm an albatross now?

Dang.

I figure they'll make Queequeg all cuddly an' fun.

staghounds said...

It would be PC to put a wmoan in there someplace, and Queequeg is as good a character as any to switch.

Unless...

somehow we are led to believe tht MOBY is a boy, and then discover he's a girl all along...

No, wait, they did Mulan already.

Joanna said...

I can't ... I don't ... I can't -- I can't deal with this right now.

And I agree with whoever brought up Bambi -- I always wondered, as a kid, why there was such a shift in tone halfway through. Then I read the book years later and realized that was the only halfway accurate part of the plot.

eletru: industrialization comes to the Neverending Story.

Brigid said...

To save money for the "Nantucket sleigh ride scene" with the men in the boat being pulled helplessly by the whale, they can film someone attempting to take Barkley for a walk when the squirrels are running loose.

mariner said...

Thanks, Tam.

I got a chuckle out of that.

Turing test: "kedaysi". Oopsy-kedaysi.

Laughingdog said...

Rabbit,

Just because it's listed at Amazon doesn't mean Disney has actually released it, or ever will. That listing seems to seree no other purpose than to give hundreds of people a place to bitch about Disney refusing to make it available.

Joseph said...

Roberta,

Hmmm..if you are not comfortable with the albatross...they could write in a cute female dolphin instead...actually, I think I'll give up on naming characters before I get in much deeper.

I seem to recall that Moby Dick was kind of based on a true story, but damned if I can remember where I got the information.

staghounds said...

The wreck of the Essex. Also famous for the subsequent open boat voyages' social restructuring, cannibalism, and murder for food.

Anonymous said...

Arrrrgh! That just ruined my Sunday. I so liked the book and the movie! And yes, I just flashed my uber-nerd credentials there.

LittleRed1

Dock said...

If it's going to be a true Disney style movie, you have to include the murder or death of lil' Ahab's parents as the bog standard opener.

It's not a Disney movie without massive abandonment issues.

verification: untori

What I'd like to do to my iTunes collection.