Sunday, August 21, 2011

Can he balance a ball of C4 on his nose?


Okay, he's pretty big and fast, and he's got sharp teeth, so I can totally see how he could take down Osama Bin Laden, but getting a dozen of those things into an MH-60 Black Hawk has got to be like trying to get the worms back into the can...

20 comments:

McThag said...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/U.S._Navy_Marine_Mammal_Program

Robb Allen said...

The worst part is I read this post, went back to working (on a Sunday! I know, right?) and due to wit-lag, took about 5 minutes before I got the joke.

Then giggled.

Anonymous said...

You need room for the big rubber balls and fish too!

I have an in-law that worked as a trainer for SAIC in that USN program. Seals and porpises go AWOL from time to time just like other sailors.

Gerry

TBeck said...

Shades of Ringo's AGAINST THE TIDE.

BGMiller said...

Getting the seals into the chopper is easy. Just takes an overly perky young lady in a wetsuit with a microphone and some herring.

Getting 'em out again is similarly easy.

Washing out the -60 after the fact though...


BGM

Robin said...

Doesn't the HK 416 need a pretty big trigger guard for him?

Kristopher said...

How much gin have you had today?

HlynkaCG said...

In regards to McThag and BGMiller, you're exactly right.

I think the wierdest thing was that we had to issue hearing protection to the seals (foamies to be installed by the trainer)

Barring that they were very cooperative passengers, but the bird smelled kind of wierd (like fishy dog breath) for about a week afterwords.

BGMiller said...

Why is it I seem to be most right about stuff when I'm being flippant and or sarcastic?

Also...

I assume the method for loading SeALs is pretty similar to the method of loading seals. Just replace the herring with beer and forget about the microphone. I'll not comment on the young lady in the wetsuit...


BGM

Tam said...

HlynkaCG,

That is so cool!

I get the feeling sometimes that I could write a post on... say... "Famous Hungarian Cabinetmakers of the 17th Century" and a reader would say "Oh, yeah! We still have g-g-g-g-g-granpa Balogh's chiffarobe that he built in Budapest in 1687!"

Ed Foster said...

HlynkaCG, is it true they put swords on the little beasties noses and had them swim around Cam Rahn bay sticking VC swimmers? I still don't know if it was a sea story the swimfin boys spread around the NCO club or not, and I didn't want to admit my ignorance back in the way-back-when.

Six said...

The following story is true. The names have been changed to protect my already fragile reputation.
Many years ago, when I was still a blue suiter in a coastal california city, I got called to a seal on the beach in distress. When I got there I found a rather large seal lying down, not moving much and generally looking kinda distressed. Or maybe just tired and catching 40 winks.
I decided it was safe to approach. Hey, it's a seal. What's he gonna do, wake up and charge me?
Then he woke up and charged me. Man, those guys can really move, especially when you consider their total lack of fundamental appendages suitable for propulsion across a beach like legs and such. I was presented with an immediate problem. Shoot this 400 pound monster with my most emphatically not an anti seal caliber pistol in front of throngs of tourists or run.
I ran, mister seal hot on my heels. I was driving our 4 wheel drive pickup (beach patrol not sand dune jumping, I swear). I jumped into the bed inches ahead of the snapping jaws of fishy death, my dignity having been discarded somewhere between "don't worry, I'm from the government and I'm here to help" and my deep seated desire to remain a person who has not been mauled by a sea creature on dry land. Mister seal, being a seal and thus never giving up on that whole destroying the enemy thing, tried to climb the bumper to finish me off. I swear I could actually see the frustration and blood lust in his eyes. He was barking challenges, threats and insults. Probably calling my momma names. It was a stand off for quite a while. Me sitting in the pickup bed, praying for a lack of cameras and cursing the invention of You Tube (and most emphatically NOT calling for backup). He circling and barking and generally acting like Land Sharks were the sissies of the land/sea world.
We gathered quite a crowd. Yes, there was some tittering and perhaps a guffaw or two but I'm almost positive no one came right out and cheered on the monster seal to finish me off. Mister demon seal from hell apparently had a limited amount of patience or perhaps was late for a meeting of policebiters anonymous. Whatever the reason, after about 15minutes of making me his biatch he slithered off the bumber and ambulated his way back to the nearby ocean, his honor apparently having been satisfied. I quickly hopped down, did the perp walk back to the cab and drove off with all the dignity I could muster, secure in the knowledge that at least none of my fellow officers had witnessed my shame. I later took to throwing plastic fish to the seals begging for food off the wharf while laughing like a crazy person. From afar of course.
Hi, my name is Six and I've been chased across a beach by a seal not of the USN variety. On duty. In uniform.
Somewhere out there at sea, probably in a seal bar, an old veteran of The Wars is telling this story to a bunch of his buddies.
"So there I was, just hanging out and minding my own business when this cop comes buffooning up...."

Anonymous said...

@ Ed,

My Dad was at Cam Rahn from July 65 to some point in 67. They had real problem with VC trying to demolish/mine/limpet mine or other wise sabotage the harbor ops, the freighter/LST's would toss hand grenades overboard at night at random intervals to dissuade the VC. One of my Dad's duties was literally guard duty at night sans any firearms. He was issued a flashlight(http://ww2usmilitaria.webs.com/flashlight.html) which he took but he had picked up a Luftwaffe flashlight that was much better. It looks something like this(http://www.worthpoint.com/worthopedia/ww2-original-german-army-signal-85712263) and it lets you change colors quick(seconds) vs minutes like hours to change colors on the US Army thing. That feature saved his neck a couple of times. My Dad wasn't armed but the company had a couple of quad .50's he set the US Army flashlight to red and his Luftwaffe to blue/green (eg no color at all coming out)when he saw anything that looked like it needed attitude adjustment he would toss the red flashlight and set his to green. The Quad 50 would hose down the area where the red landed.

Base commander had standing orders not to issue firearms to the troops, it was 'secure territory' and as such the troops didn't need guns. No one bothered to tell the VC it was secure anything.

I had heard the USN tried a lot of stuff against maritime sabotage but had not heard the swords on seals, Dolphins were apparently discussed but they like people.

woerm/THR

Goober said...

sniff... of course you realize that said pinniped pictured in your article is not really a seal, right? (sniff) The pinniped pictured is none other than Zalophus californianus (well, -sniff- most LIKELY anyway, given your geographical location) or more commonly known, the California Sea Lion. (self-righteous smiling and sniffing with maybe a "noiven" thrown in for good measure.)

HlynkaCG said...

I don't know anything about Cam Rahn, before my time and not really my department.

I was a MH-60 Crewchief in the US Navy(now a reservist). My OIC told me that I was to transport 4 Seals and thier trainer from our airfield to a ship parked off the coast. I assumed he meant the two-legged-shooty-kind so you can imagine my surprise when a van drive onto with 4 marine mammals in the back.

What followed was surprisingly straight forward. The trainer hopped into the aircraft waved a mackerel, shouted "come", and the Seals clamoured in after him. We belted them into the litters usually used for nonambulatory medevac patients and off we went.

I'm just glad none of them got airsick.

PS: Six, I too live in a coastal california city and there's a reason lifeguard's sometimes call 'em legless pitbulls

Larry said...

Where else can you go for snark and end up learning something interesting? Most of the time it's the other way around...

Ken said...

Yeah, my wife and I found that out when we started our (sadly defunct) Seals on Wheels franchise.

Tam said...

Goober,

You are right. He is in fact a California sea lion, which makes him (along with his fur seal kin) a member of the family Otariidae, or eared seals. [sniff] ;)

Justthisguy said...

I don't care what anybody else says or thinks. Six wins the thread with that story, whether it be true, or not.

Justthisguy said...

P.s. Labrat posted a pic of a seal skull, showing its huge sharp pointy teeth. Carter-and-Arthur-eating bunnies ain't even close.