Saturday, March 31, 2012

Overheard in the Office:

RX: "I have an idea for curbing the production of paper money: Every bill must be printed with ink containing a certain legally-prescribed percentage of the President's blood."

Me: "Or some equally-appropriate official... That's brilliant!"

RX: "'I don't think we can print more; it's bleeding me dry!'"

Me: "'Beltway insiders warn of another impending bout of inflation, citing Timothy Geithner's drawn and pale appearance at a recent press conference.'"
This legislation would have bonus side-effects, too, by requiring every dollar to actually exist as a paper entity someplace:

1) Another TARP couldn't happen even if you put the president, his cabinet, Congress, and the entire federal bureaucracy above GS-11 on blood expanders because there aren't that many trees or printing presses.

2) Tying the value of the dollar to something as worthless and ephemeral as wood pulp would make it harder money than anything we've seen in this country in the last forty years.

17 comments:

Bob said...

And you'll be able to identify vampires by the dandruff-like shreds of paper all over their clothing! Brilliant!

BGMiller said...

Be a hell of an anti-forging feature to be able to send a bill for DNA analysis.

BGM

Pakkinpoppa said...

How do you add the blood to the "electronic" money that gets "printed"?

D'oh! Still a good idea, though.

Tam said...

Pakkinpoppa,

"How do you add the blood to the "electronic" money that gets "printed"?"

This legislation would fix that, too, by requiring every dollar to actually exist as a paper entity someplace.

1) TARP couldn't happen even if you put the entire federal bureacracy above GS-11 on blood expanders because there aren't that many trees or printing presses.

2) Tying the value of the dollar to something as worthless and ephemeral as woodpulp would make it harder money than anything we've seen in the last forty years.

Stretch said...

Hows 'bout we print the bills on the tanned skin of officials?

Tam said...

Stretch,

Baby steps. Rome wasn't burnt in a day. ;)

Cormac said...

I laughed and laughed at that last point... and cried a little as the realization that you're right set in... :-(

Brandoch Daha said...

Best of all, just imagine the strange and wonderous noises we would hear from certain patches on the great venn diagram of anti-semitic internet crazy, if we started building actual human blood into currency.

SGB said...

Somewhere. someone is hunched over a computer trying to figure this out.

fast richard said...

With that currency, when I pay for gas I'd really be trading blood for oil.

Anonymous said...

That's merely the printed currency, which is only a small fraction of the total money supply.

The Federal Reserve effectively creates much more money than the fraction of the overall monetary supply that exists as actual currency, both in paper and coinage forms.

Here's a trick question for you:

Describe how local banks create money. In case you're wondering, "yes, they do." They don't create currency... but they do create money.

Out of thin air, even.

Tam said...

Anon 7:05,

"That's merely the printed currency, which is only a small fraction of the total money supply."

As I said: "This legislation would fix that, too, by requiring every dollar to actually exist as a paper entity someplace." :)

Anonymous said...

wood pulp? US currency is made out of cotton rag, not "paper" which is wood pulp.

Justthisguy said...

I am beginning to think that every grumpy old spinster should have three votes in every election, except for Andrea Harris, who should have five votes. She is amazingly grumpy, lately.

Data Viking said...

There is one teency weency hole in this proposal. What is to stop the printing of only extremely large denomination bills once this thing is passed ? Better each dollar in value printed contains a certain percentage rather than each bill.

Kristopher said...

Data Viking:

Prices should be in pounds of currency. Ignore the number of zeros on the bill.

DJMason199 said...

The problem I see is turning appointed federal offices into revolving-door bloodbanks. We'd suddenly have homeless guys with GS-11 appointments for just so long as it took to bleed 'em.

"This is Bob Plummer, and he is today's Secretary of Sanguipecunia. Hook him up, boys! We need some stimulus!"