Friday, September 29, 2006

Not to pile on Canada or anything...

...but getting all a-twitter about a couple of .30-caliber M240's on some Coast Guard patrol craft doesn't do much for the national image of virility traditionally associated with postcard images of Mounties, lumberjacks, and gap-toothed hockey players.

Trust us: those peashooters aren't on the boats to turn them into "gunboats". They're not there because we're planning on invading Canada (we hope we'll be able to take you quietly someday.) And they're certainly not there because we're all a-feared that the rabid Canuckistanian hordes are about to pour over our northern border, swimming ashore at Lakeshore Drive and terrorizing the shoppers at Water Tower Place.

No, the boats have belt-feds on them because there are things along the shores of the Great Lakes that we'd rather not have blown up, and having a 240 handy could keep them in an un-blowed-up condition.

So calm down and don't panic; we're still your buddies. When we sail the USS Tarawa up the St. Lawrence, then you can panic.


3yellowdogs said...

Tam's right. The citizens of our northern suburb really have nothing to worry about from a few PT boats plying the waters near their shores.

When we decide that we really do want their back bacon and Molson's (not to mention Albertan oil shale and Quebecoise separatism) badly enough to annex the great white north, we'll just mobilize a couple of national gard units and assume control during the Stanley Cup playoffs.

Nary a shot will be fired, the "new" dollar will be worth 20% more and they won't have to deal with those annoying visits from the Queen any more.

Anonymous said...

You are a riot, Tam. Wish I'd found your site earlier. Good night, I think we need something stronger than gun fearing wussies for such idiotarians.

Granted I'm not sure of the whole story, and yeah having a large demilitarized border is nice and all, but complete de-weaponing is absoutely idiotic. I mean, this weapon is light enough people carry it around and use it as a single-person weapon, what the hell are they wanking about here? If we were sending the Tarawa or maybe the Enterprise or something they might have something to worry about. As it is they are making themselves look like male wankettes, which is pretty sick when you think about it.


theirritablearchitect said...

3yellowdogs, you crack me up. Add timber to the natural resources tally. Coal too, a heap of it sits north of the arctic circle, as I understand, but who cares?

Anonymous said...

We have sailed some frigates up the St Lawrence to do a "Friend ship tour" of the great lakes within the last decade or so. I'm trying to remember the name of the one I toured. It was a Perry class frigate is all I can recall.

I believe there was a Marine landing ship as well.

John Salmon said...

I think it would be fun to have a Canadian as a pet.

Unknown said...

I'm pretty sure Canadians are illegal as pets in the majority of U.S. states.

Anonymous said...

Canadians can only be kept as pets if they are neutered.

My error, they come that way.

Anonymous said...

Dag nab it!

I don't remember the Canadians complaining back in the 1960's when an 8" Gun heavy cruiser toured the great lakes!

Who toured the ship with his father. It was cold.

Timmeeee said...

Actually the Tarawa is a west coast ship. I remember seeing it docked in Vancouver when I lived there.

Funny how yanks joke about invading Canada. You seem to have your hands full in Iraq. Just imagine an insurgency that speaks your language, is visually indistinguishable from you and is on your border. Think Vietnam with snow, only Charlie can easily slip across the border and frag a schoolyard or two.

Remember its easier for a Canadian to pass as a yank than the other way around.

Anonymous said...

Well, isn't Timeeee a v.*special* kind of Canadian, though? I had a couple of friendly and respectful things to say, and now I'll have to wait until the next time they come up in the context of allegiance and security. Like that'll happen.

Sleep well tonight. We are not defenseless:

Perry's second flagship still plies the border waters, with four 32-pounders and a bone in her teeth. Blow your matches, boys.

Anonymous said...

That timmeeee is sooo funny.

Fear not, if there is trouble, the butts stickin' up from under the table will be timmeeee's and friends'.

You can also find him any evening at any one of canada's half-rate comedy clubs, making the same sort of sorry jokes for rice and beans. If he's really feelin' frisky, he sometimes demands bottled water, instead of tap.

On a serious note though, we have a serious problem in caledonia, ontario with north american indian terrorists taking over private property, and the police, and government are too gutless to do anything about it. Could we make a deal for you guys to come up, and settle it for us.

I'm not sure on the effective range of the m240, but these are just low level indian terrorists, and caledonia is not that far from the lakeshore. A few bursts overhead should scare them back to the res, where the welfare cheques are delivered!

Cheers, and thanks for the protection!

3yellowdogs said...

"Cheers, and thanks for the protection! "

Aww, don't mention it, knotsmart. We're glad to commit our blood and treasure so that all of the little timeee's up there can sleep soundly and pretend they live in a safe, peaceful world.

Just point us toward those marauding Injuns. We'll take care of 'em and only ask for a couple of million board-feet of lumber in the spring when home building picks back up, OK?

By the way, you know how a Canuck spells his country's name?

C, eh, N, eh, D, eh.

3yellowdogs said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
phlegmfatale said...

Damn skippy!

boxstockracer said...


Your's only have a couple of .30's? OURS have a .50 AND a couple of .30s:

markm said...

"We have sailed some frigates up the St Lawrence to do a "Friend ship tour" of the great lakes within the last decade or so. I'm trying to remember the name of the one I toured. It was a Perry class frigate is all I can recall."

It was the Oliver Hazard Perry. My son's Navy recruiter arranged a ride from the Soo locks to St Ignace for us.

Anonymous said...

It gets worse. The mayor of Duluth MN about wet his pants when he found out that the CG was shooting up HIS beloved lake superior!

Canada in no way has the market cornered on weinies they are just in the more advanced state of weinie-ness.