Tuesday, September 05, 2006

The Minutes of the First Monthly Symposium Towards a Taxonomy of Modern Dangers.

The symposium was held in a booth at the Mellow Mushroom pizza joint. In attendance were noted experts on modern dangers; namely Mr. P, Thing One, and myself.

Me: "Okay, we're here to sort out all the modern dangers that require folks to own guns. Everybody knows that the most imminent peril is Zombie Apocalypse, but what about the other dangers out there? What about pirates, ninjas, vampires, werewolves, killer space robots, face-eating monkeys, and hippies?"

Mr. P: "Wait, killer space robots? When did those get added to the list? You guys are just making this stuff up!"

Me: "No, they're dangerous. Trust me on this. You gotta be ready."

Thing One: (looking around) "Why are we in some hippie joint?"

Mr. P: "They have good pizza."

TO: "Ah. Okay."

Me: "Alright; we know that the vampires and the ninjas are in cahoots, because they're both basically shifty, plus they have that whole invisibility thing going on..."

Mr. P: "When's the food going to get here?... Hey, tomorrow I pick up my prescription Wayfarers. Wayfarers are cool; they let you see the ninjas."

Me: "Really?" (Pulls Wayfarers out of purse, puts them on, and scans restaurant.) "Huh. It's true! There aren't any ninjas here. I wonder why that is?"

TO: "It's the hippies. Ninjas hate hippies."

Mr. P: "It stands to reason. I mean, pirates are basically just hippies with a violent streak."

Me: "So the hippies and the pirates are on the same team! That'd make a hippie pizza restaurant the perfect pirate hideout!"

TO: "Naturally. Look there, in the kitchen. See the guy with the bandanna on his head? And the other guy, with the bushy beard and all the earrings? Those are obviously pirates."

Me: "...and pirates can't wear Wayfarers; that'd totally be against the pirate dress code, which is why they keep werewolves around, since they can smell the ninjas. Plus, since pirates are basically frugal, they can save money by feeding the ninjas to the werewolves."

Mr. P: "We have way too much time on our hands..."

Me: "I am so totally blogging this."

TO: "Here comes the pizza."


Anonymous said...

Oh boy,
First it was the Pirate and Ninja thing. Now we have added players. I'm anticipating the second (and more) installment. This has all the earmarks of being a fun read!

Who knows, I might even have to stop being anonymous and get a place to blog back from.

El Capitan said...

It's true. We pirates do shun RayBan products. Mostly, we get our Vuarnet and Bolle shades from the Froggie poofter-boys whenever we raid Martinique and Guadeloupe.

treefroggy said...

They way to avoid pirate hassle is to blend in. Pls pass this on:

Joseph said...

Yeah, when the 19th comes around, I'm definately going to participate in International Talk Like a Pirate Day. I may have been declared a Wizard Ninja, but I long to be a pirate.

I'm such a nerd. XD

BobG said...

"Mr. P: "We have way too much time on our hands...""

I'm also wondering what kind of spices they are using in the pizza sauce besides oregano...

Tam said...

Hey, you think the talk was strange before the pizza arrived?

Mark@C said...

You had 'shrooms on your pizza, right?

Jeff the Baptist said...

I think I've had that conversation before. Oh and you forgot giant prehistoric subterranean space worms.

"I guess we don't get to make fun of Burt's lifestyle anymore."

Anonymous said...

What is the deal with Hippies?

Anonymous said...

What is the problem with Hippies?

Much better than AL Q types.

Tam said...


Those who see any serious social commentary in this post can do us all a favor and refrain from voting in the future.


The VFTP Management Team
Your leading source for Horrible Screaming Death on the intarw3b.

Todd said...

Ah, typical Mellow Mushroom banter. I wasn't aware, however, that they had spread to the hills.

I'd venture that Pirates are actually Vampire hippies or some such... Arrrrrrrrr!

pax said...

What about flesh-eating mollusks? You [i]totally[/i] left those out.

Can we really depend upon mollusk-eating hippies to deal with them? Or would it be safer to carry a 12 gauge loaded with rock salt?

Anonymous said...

"Those who see any serious social commentary in this post can do us all a favor and refrain from voting in the future."

Oops, sorry. Will shoot 100 rounds of rifle ammo as penance.