Monday, September 29, 2008

How Not To Be Low Profile:

If one wishes to be low profile, one should be choosy about certain things. Like the ships one hijacks, for instance.

If one were to 'jack a ship full of, say, macrame owls destined for Pier One, it might be a while before anyone knew. Or cared. On the other hand, when you climb aboard a ship and find it filled to the gunwales with 33 Ukrainian T-72 tanks destined for gawd-only-knows where, it might be prudent to just climb quietly back off and motor away, because that's the sort of thievery that's going to draw attention.

Now, it strikes me that the sort of people who go shipping half a battalion's worth of main battle tanks around the seven seas are not the kind of people to take it lying down when their cargo goes missing. Boarding a ship and finding it full of tanks would be like burglarizing a house and finding a plaque on the mantlepiece "To Vinnie for faithful service. Love Don and the rest of the guys at La Cosa Nostra Enterprises"; the sensible criminal would just let himself out and apologize for the disturbance. Instead, our Somali rocket scientists are holed up on the boat and surrounded by warships.

The warships are there because the various governments of civilized and semi-civilized countries with interests in the area are wondering where the tanks were going. Kenya claims they purchased them at the big Labor Day Sale at Crazy Ivan's Used Tank Lot, but seems to be having difficulty coming up with a receipt. Perhaps Sumdood has it.

All in all, this will get funnier before it's over.

And don't forget that the pirate's natural enemy is... ninjas!


Anonymous said...


I laughed when I heard the Russian were sending ships, because they can go where USN fears to tread.

Things like bombing the shit out of villages harbouring pirates. Muslim pirates showing up dead sewn into a pig carcass with a note pinned to their forehead.

You know the kind of polite reminder to small time, two bit pirates that there are bigger fish in the sea and they are starting to get annoyed.

The kind of things all civilized navies did for centuries before they feared being exhibit A onthe evening news.

Divemedic said...

Didn't we pay the Barbary pirates at first? When will we ever learn?

Nathan Brindle said...

We paid them until we built a navy and a Marine Corps to kick their asses with.

If they'd had the weapons we have now, there would be nothing left of Somalia but a smoking hole.

Not that Somalia isn't a smoking hole to begin with, but I digress.

DirtCrashr said...

Heck, Jaccques already has a one of those. Africa's a hot country, it's pretty warm inside those things in July - do they have A/C like the T-90's?

jimbob86 said...

Not that Somalia isn't a stinking hole to begin with, but I digress. (As in, it is something like a nation sized overused outhouse, but without the house part.)

There, fixed it for ya......

These pirates have vowed to fight to the death..... OK, great! That'll spare us the trial and handwringing by bed wetters in the international courts.

aepilot_jim said...

You have no idea the hew and cry that went up when the IDPA (International Defensive Pirates Association) went into merger talks with the Ninjas. Natural enemies to say the least.

DirtCrashr said...

A pirate's like has hazards, and apparently some who took an Iranian ship with a cargo of "minerals" and "industrial products" have died mysteriously with symptoms that could be interpreted as radiation poisoning.
Somali pirates suffered skin burns, lost hair and fell gravely ill "within days" of boarding the MV Iran Deyanat. Some of them died.

Gay_Cynic said...

Letters of Marque and Reprisal, anyone?

I nominate Tam as Captain :)

A.G.Morgan said...

No dice, Mr. Cynic. I've already made inquiries, and it seems we signed a few treaties against it, and Senator Coburn never mailed me back about it.

I'm sure it'd be a great boost to the economy though.

CounterClckWise said...

Maybe low profile just ain't their...idiom!
Pwnd! :)

staghounds said...

"We're concerned that this might end up in the wrong hands, such as terrorists or violent extremists."

1. These are TANKS. Quakers and Goodwill don't really have a slot for them.

2. Um, they are made of IRON and they are in a SHIP and the Howard has TORPEDOES.

Even I, who failed physics and couldn't get into Annapolis if I were carnally satisfying the Superintendent, know where they will "end up" if we want them there.

PS- did you see The Times a few months ago?

"(R. N.) Warships patrolling pirate-infested waters, such as those off Somalia, have been warned that there is also a risk that captured pirates could claim asylum in Britain.

The Foreign Office has advised that pirates sent back to Somalia could have their human rights breached because, under Islamic law, they face beheading for murder or having a hand chopped off for theft."

Sic transit gloria maris.

Rick C said...

Since the Russians are sending a ship to Somalia, I think that if we simply sit back and don't let the pirates get off the hijacked ship, they'll find out the Russians are quite willing to oblige them on that "to the death" bit.

easily lost said...

That sneaky sumdood sure does get around.

TBeck said...

The Russians have naval infantry, and one presumes an aquatic version of Spetsnaz. I say we just sit back and watch the fun.

Unless Dick Marcinko happens to have a time slot that isn't filled with a leadership seminar.

Or unless the Kildar is yacting in the Indian Ocean. The image of Katya emerging from the surf like some sort of Venus gone terribly wrong has some appeal.

My bet is that the Russians try an assault, get pissed off, then roll a few canisters of VX and nerve gas the whole fuckin nest. It's the only way to be sure.

TOTWTYTR said...

I beg to differ, Sumdood would have got away with this. On the other Hand Sumdoap would be the guy who tried to steal a ship full of tanks.

A country that can send 33 refurbished T-72 tanks, spare parts, ammunition, and other armament can probably send someone to retrieve the cargo if it goes astray. Or at least they have friends that can do that.

Then there's that hijacked Iranian ship on which pirates seem to be dying at an inordinate rate.

The coast of Somalia is getting to be very interesting.

rickn8or said...

dirtcrashr & totwttytr--

Obviously, the Iranian ship was carrying the Ark of the Covenant back to Israel before it was hijacked.

As to the other ship, I'm thinkin' it is going going to strike a mine and sink. (While sitting DIW.)

Interesting indeed.