The Minutes of the First Monthly Symposium Towards a Taxonomy of Modern Dangers.

The symposium was held in a booth at the Mellow Mushroom pizza joint. In attendance were noted experts on modern dangers; namely Mr. P, Thing One, and myself.

Me: "Okay, we're here to sort out all the modern dangers that require folks to own guns. Everybody knows that the most imminent peril is Zombie Apocalypse, but what about the other dangers out there? What about pirates, ninjas, vampires, werewolves, killer space robots, face-eating monkeys, and hippies?"

Mr. P: "Wait, killer space robots? When did those get added to the list? You guys are just making this stuff up!"

Me: "No, they're dangerous. Trust me on this. You gotta be ready."

Thing One: (looking around) "Why are we in some hippie joint?"

Mr. P: "They have good pizza."

TO: "Ah. Okay."

Me: "Alright; we know that the vampires and the ninjas are in cahoots, because they're both basically shifty, plus they have that whole invisibility thing going on..."

Mr. P: "When's the food going to get here?... Hey, tomorrow I pick up my prescription Wayfarers. Wayfarers are cool; they let you see the ninjas."

Me: "Really?" (Pulls Wayfarers out of purse, puts them on, and scans restaurant.) "Huh. It's true! There aren't any ninjas here. I wonder why that is?"

TO: "It's the hippies. Ninjas hate hippies."

Mr. P: "It stands to reason. I mean, pirates are basically just hippies with a violent streak."

Me: "So the hippies and the pirates are on the same team! That'd make a hippie pizza restaurant the perfect pirate hideout!"

TO: "Naturally. Look there, in the kitchen. See the guy with the bandanna on his head? And the other guy, with the bushy beard and all the earrings? Those are obviously pirates."

Me: "...and pirates can't wear Wayfarers; that'd totally be against the pirate dress code, which is why they keep werewolves around, since they can smell the ninjas. Plus, since pirates are basically frugal, they can save money by feeding the ninjas to the werewolves."

Mr. P: "We have way too much time on our hands..."

Me: "I am so totally blogging this."

TO: "Here comes the pizza."