Sunday, July 20, 2008

Fashion Victims or, "To think that I saw it on Mulberry Street"

Scenic downtown Broad Ripple yesterday was a feast for the senses. The sense of snark, at least...
  • To the guy on the WalMart MTB: You're not fooling anyone. Team Cadillac would have sponsored you a snappy bike to go with the logo-slathered bicycling jersey. They would probably have provided a training regimen to help with the beer gut, too.
  • To the grown man in flip-flops in public: Footwear makes a statement. Yours says "I'm going jail by the end of this episode of COPS." Why do the people who look most likely to need to flee the police wear the attire that's the most ill-suited for the purpose?
  • To the kid on the silly motorcycle: Rear swingarms are extended by a few inches on drag bikes for a reason. The reason is "to lengthen the wheelbase, which helps keep the front wheel down on hard launches" and not, as you might have supposed, "to look cool in rap videos". The cartoonishly extended swingarm on your R1, however, which places the rear axle actually aft of the taillight, just serves the purpose of making you look retarded.

15 comments:

OA said...

I'd like to add pajama bottoms girl (the 'sweatpants in public' of the 21 century) and the pussy guys in sweaters that are some shade of vomit and a size to small (in summer, you freaking losers? and ditch the 50's era glasses, shave, and run a brush through your hair, you miserable, Weezer-listening toads).

"Why do the people who look most likely to need to flee the police wear the attire that's the most ill-suited for the purpose?"

Yeah, between the flip-flops and the guys wearing their britches around their thighs, you really have to wonder about the IQ of the legally challenged.

Jeffro said...

One of my favs is the pseudo ricer with more money in the stereo and wheels than the motor. The can sticking out the rear bumper apparently spells performance to them. Big bonus points go to mounting a strut supported aluminum rear spoiler above the factory plastic one.

OA said...

Jeffro, those are the "Gimme four bucks baby, I'm taking you to Taco Bell" guys.

BobG said...

"Why do the people who look most likely to need to flee the police wear the attire that's the most ill-suited for the purpose?"

Because most criminals are idiots?

deadcenter said...

Gene Siskel once observed, "If you're feeling down just walk down the street and realize that everyone out there is wearing what they think makes them look good." Ever since every trip to the store is the chance for a gigglefest and I always feel better by the time I get home.

I had a buddy who was a cop and his favorite fashion statements for thugs were, first, low slung pants because when they, run the pants fall down, they invariably trip and faceplant themselves, and then it becomes a challenge of can you stop laughing before they can get up and start running again. Second, those sneakers that had the red flashing leds in the heels during latenight foot races.

redneckinny said...

Too bad the thugs don't wear their really big ADIDAS sneakers with the laces loosely strung and untied so that they really couldn't run in them either without them being thrown off because of their loose fit.

Tam, no pictures?? Awww...

LabRat said...

For some reason, I find it goshdarn heartwarming that bicycle tards have the exact same urge to add impractical, ridiculous bling to the rear of their vehicles as ricer tards.

butch_s said...

I'll add:

People riding motorcycles in shorts and tee-shirts. All to often they end up victims of that fashion statement.


and channeling KdT:

Adults wearing baseball caps, preticularly while indoors.

Anonymous said...

Too funny...there's a kid that works at the same place as my wife. He bought a gorgeous black Honda CBR600RR this spring and just showed up this past week with a grossly extended swingarm and phat tyre. That once beautiful ride is now nothing more than canyon fodder.

DarrenS

Nathan Brindle said...

Ah, Broad Ripple, the world's largest living fashion disaster.

Take those damn skateboarding kids, clean 'em up, get 'em haircuts and jobs, and get 'em off the damn canal bridge on Guilford.

Run over the jaywalkers.

And beat the drunks senseless after dark.

What a waste. After they cleaned the hippies out back in the '80's, the Ripple was a nice place to spend an evening. Not anymore; it's like they gave it back to the hippies' kids.

Joseph said...

Men/women in shower shoes in public, just screams "I have no class/sense/money!" I mean, c'mon, a decent set of sneaks isn't that much!!

Ross said...

Tam, I wish you'd taken a pic of that bike... I don't think I've ever seen someone extend his swingarm before.

Ride Fast said...

I wish you took a pic of that scoot, too. I thought that was a Cali Only phenomenon.

Those bikes are fun to watch crash in turns tho.

Montie said...

Tam,

The only way us older cops have any chance of catching the average skinny little 18 year old gang-banger is thanks to their chosen attire of hugely oversized pants worn with the waist halfway down their ass, and with the crotch at about knee height. Invariably the pants fall down during a foot pursuit and trip them up. good times!

Also, in certain parts of town, we seem to arrest a lot of guys with long hair, jeans and no shirt, just like on "COPS". when I spot a dude dressed like this it immediately puts me on point. it's as though they were wearing a sign saying "I have warrants and dope in my pocket, please arrest me now."

og said...

I'm guessing the guy would look like a tard without the xtended swingarm bike, too.