Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Brown Trouser Alert!

A single round of hardball was found clattering about in a washing machine at Wheaton College.

After the poor Lyon recovered from his faint, he summoned the gendarmes to remove the WMD that had him pinned in the laundry facility.

Stopping just short of deploying the SWAT team to take down the lone cartridge, Norton cops swarmed dorm hallways with bomb-sniffing dogs to make sure that, like the facehuggers in Aliens, there weren't more of the nefarious "assault bullets" lurking in the building, waiting to spring feloniously upon unsuspecting bairns en route to class.

Thank Shiva that nobody left any toilet floats lying around, or they'd likely have taken off and nuked the site from orbit...

20 comments:

alan said...

Well, it IS the only way to be sure.

rickn8or said...

Why simply react when you can overreact?

BryanP said...

Assault bullets.

Assault bullets.

Excuse me, I think I need a drink. *sigh*

dave said...

About a year ago, when I lived in an apartment, I got out of my truck to see a round of Speer Gold Dot laying on the ground. "Hunh," sez me, I wonder when I dropped that.

Looking closer, I discovered is was .40 S&W, not .45ACP. "Good, I didn't," I thought, and put it back where I found it in case the rightful owner was looking for it.

atlharp said...

I love the tag line: "Bullet Raises Concerns." It shows how completely comical the on-campus eunuchs have become in their quest to free the world of sharp edges and scary King James Bibles.
Here's another gem:

"45-caliber bullets are used in assault weapons such as handguns."

Beautiful! My morning is now set: Cigar, coffee, and utter stupidity. I am now ready to take on the day!

BobG said...

The weenies (that includes the police) act like they found weapons- grade plutonium.

Anonymous said...

"Norton Police." Assuming they weren't on Commando Interpols, these must be the DB Norton Motorcycle Squad from Meet John Doe. Precision.

Hey, toilet tank floats actually are an Arab invention...

Hecate said...

Huh. I launder leftover Barney bullets from IDPA matches all the time. Makes 'em nice and shiny.

Never had one cook off in the dryer yet.

CAPTCHA: "fooliec"

Appropriate.

Anonymous said...

Once more, the sky is falling.

How wonderfully is the public thus conditioned to unreasoning panic and fear.

Comintern Handbook SOP.

appropriate captcha: miress

J t R

Ed Foster said...

Bomb sniffing dogs? I'm trying to think of a witty anology, but intellect fails me.
Poor Fido would stroke out two blocks downwind of my house, or melt in the rather rural environment I grew up in.

Tam said...

To be fair, this is Massachusetts we're talking about. If the student had instead pocketed the round of ammunition and didn't have a FID, he'd have been committing a crime.

Ben said...

I particularly enjoyed the descriptive term "sinister object" as used in the article to describe the float. Kind of makes me scared to go upstairs now. Literally. After all, there's not only a working toilet with float inside but .45 ammo and the assault weapons it was made for.

My god laughs at your four winds.

Anonymous said...

Have you seen toilet floats?

Man, o man, at _least_ as sinister as sump pumps.

Anonymous said...

Yah know, everytime I see dogs like that I am tempted to rub my hands in gunpowder/something innocent indistinguishable from boomex and then touch everything I can everywhere.

Stretch said...

Had I found a .45 round in my dorm I'd have had a hard time figuring out to whom it belonged. Lot's of 'Nam vets and good-ol'-boys in residence. The hardball would have me starting with the vets. SIGH. A different world. *mutters sadly about Wiggery and pours self more port*

Matt G said...

"At the moment, police say it's possible that someone found the bullet somewhere and innocently put it in their pocket and forgot about it, or there could be more malicious intents."

What malicious intents? Denting the enamal in the tub of the coin-operated washing machines?

Oh, now wait-- I got it. I know how this went:
A deranged person, bent on wreaking havoc on Wheaton College, loaded up his various "assault weapons," and started into the dorms, where he could do his evil deeds. At some point he realized, "ZOMG! I can't go on a killing spree with dirty pants! I've got to launder these!" So deranged was this man, he didn't even use fabric softener.

During the (evil) washing of his trou, a single (evil) "assault cartridge" was slung from his (evil) dungarees.

The plot was foiled by the quick-thinking action of another student who was trying to wash the bong-water out of his Phish T-shirt. Only the rapid deployment of (drug) bomb-sniffing dogs and lots of police (with guns) interupted what surely would have been a horrible killing spree.

Anonymous said...

it probably got caught up in their "snuggie"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h05ZQ7WHw8Y

Jay G said...

"To be fair, this is Massachusetts we're talking about. If the student had instead pocketed the round of ammunition and didn't have a FID, he'd have been committing a crime."

Not just a crime, Tam, a potential FELONY.

That's MA for you. Have I mentioned lately how much I hate this state?

Anonymous said...

Just imagine if they had brought drug sniffing dogs. The dorm would be cleared and the ACLU would be howling.



Robert

tokarev762 said...

Back in the early 80's, I was in the Harvey's department store at 100 Oaks Mall, in Nashville. As I was taking the escaltor downstairs, I heard a rattling noise that got louder the closer I got to the bottom.

I was suprised to find several rounds of ammo bouncing around at the bottom of the escaltor where the treads end. There was one round of .22 magnun, two rounds of .44 magnum jhp and one round of .44 special roundnosed cast lead.

I held onto them for several years untill I was able to buy the guns to use them in.

I guess I was wrong to do that and next time I'll just start running around waving my arms over my head and screaming for the bomb squad.(not!)