Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Keep a weather eye...

While there have been no reports of zombies or killer space robots, we have a confirmed face-eating monkey attack in Connecticut.

Thankfully it appeared to have been separated from its pack and attacked alone.

Keep an eye out. Face-eating monkeys are the natural opponents of pirates, werewolves, and hippies, and will sometimes ally with the vampires and ninjas.

26 comments:

kbarrett said...

Ermm ... chimpanzee.

Damned things are actually dangerous ... who in the bloody blue blazes thinks one would make a good pet?

Right up there with lion-tiger hybrids for dumbass buyers.

Cybrludite said...

Being that I pretty much look like a hippy pirate werewolf, I'll have to sleep with my pillow under my gun today...

Jay said...

Sleeping with a gun under your pillow is bad policy. Especially if you are prone to Kafka dreams. Best to affix a holster somewhere within reach.

OA said...

Jay, I know it's girl scout cookie time and those things can get in one's blood, but easy on the den-mothering of jokes. Don't make us send you a monkey. Three days in a box and they'll take your cookies in addition to your face.

Xavier said...

"When the chimp ripped off a side mirror and tried to enter a police cruiser, officers shot the animal multiple times"

"Stamford police later shot the chimp multiple times after he attacked an officer inside a police cruiser, Conklin said."

These cops need to get their story straight. Was he cuffed and stuffed or not?

A 200 pound chimp vs a shovel, a butcher knife and how many handguns? Poor monkey. He was probably misguided by high school athletics and cocaine. Typical result of a foster home environment. It wasn't the monkey's fault, he was oppressed.

Anonymous said...

Yeah but,..What caliber for monkeys?

Tam said...

"These cops need to get their story straight. Was he cuffed and stuffed or not? "

I LOL'ed. :D

Jay said...

Den-Mothering Joke? I apologize and throw myself on the mercy of the blog. No monkeys.... PLEASE!!!!

Anonymous said...

I blame Reagan.

Matt G said...

I just want a copy of the radio transmissions:

Dispatch: "3827, we've got a face-eating monkey munching face at 1234 Simian Circle. 3821, can you be en route to back?"

3827: "3827. Repeat your traffic?"

Jay G said...

Caliber? I recommend .223 Remington...

Bob Brennan said...

Most of these posts are ridiculous. The woman had both hands chewed off and is on life support. Where the hell is compassion in all these so-called clever posts?!!!

kbarrett said...

Laughter in the face of tragedy is normal.

The victim herself deserves sympathy, she visited a friend's house, and her friends insanely inappropriate pet nearly killed her.

OA said...

"Where the hell is compassion..."

My neocortex actually developed.

Ed Foster said...

If memory serves, a chimp is something like twice to three times the strength of a typical human male. They're also nocturnal hunters, fond of eating the brains out of baby baboons, and the occasional competing chimpanzee troop.

They kill and butcher their prey the same way Neanderthal did. They smack in the base of the skull and suck out the brains, then dismember the prey and nibble on choice pieces.

There was a rash of baby killings by chimps out in California maybe twenty years ago. I gather chimps ofter become unstable in old age. You'd think someone would have learned by now. .

Anonymous said...

My sympathies to the woman that was attacked.

Travis, apparently, had enough of the game and decided to go out wearing his monkey boots.

Anonymous said...

Yep, sympathy for both the victim and the chimp are in order.

What sidearm did the local constabulary state that they used to torture this animal to death?
'Cause I'm betting on 9mm here. They should have driven to some other state (obviously not the neighboring ones) and picked up a gun that can drop a chimp.

Is there a line for that in the stimulus bill? "Protecting The Vulnerable," I think the heading is...

Tam said...

"'Cause I'm betting on 9mm here. They should have driven to some other state (obviously not the neighboring ones) and picked up a gun that can drop a chimp."

There's a neighboring state that issues .50BMG pistols?

Anonymous said...

obviously not the neighboring ones

See what I did there?
Does the number "12" carry any weight around here? The [industry redacted] guards who cruise my street have a "12" racked on the safety mesh.

I can't believe that nobody has said it yet, so let's just get it out of the way:

Oh no, it wasn't the airplanes. It was beauty killed the beast.

phlegmfatale said...

keep an eye out

Hee!

Cybrludite said...

Jay, that's why the pillow was under the gun...

(A friend jumbled the traditional order while asking just how prepared I was for intruders recently, and it got enough of a chuckle out of me that I'd been waiting for a chance to use it.)

DirtCrashr said...

DON'T feed your 175lb primate a glass of wine before you go snuggle in bed with it unless YOU'RE the one who took the Zanax.

No sympathy for the lady, she's certifiably insane - the Chimp didn't have that excuse. It's an example of Human insanity to coerce a Non-Human Primate to behave in unnatural, nonessential, and trivial ways: to be toilet trained, wear human clothes and dressed itself, take baths, eat at the table, and drink wine from a stemmed glass, and snuggle in bed with a opposite-sex Human Primate.

No wonder the ape went nuts - she was obviously a Connecticut Liberal and he was innately and genetically a traditionalist.

Anonymous said...

Yeah Crash, sic semper all those who dope down adolescent boys, too. I've seen kids come off Ritalin, and it gives me the heebie-jeebies.

There is no such thing as a psychic free lunch. Take a pain-killer, and the pain is gone for now. When you come down, a matching psychic stress will be the payback. Trank a monkey, and he's cool for now. Sooner or later something's got to give.

This is why I disapprove of drug therapies for human "behavioral issues." They all too often require a booster shot of jacketed pb in 9mm dosages.

Anonymous said...

Speaking as a police officer, if a primate can opener was ripping my car to shreds to get to me, I'd shoot the first thing I could get my hands on to back him off, 9mm, 40mm or not. BTW, some departments require keeping the long guns in the trunk, so he may not have had time to get to it first.

Anonymous said...

It is hard to understand how and why people stoop to such low levels in an attempt to be humorous. Their is absolutely no humor that can originate out of such a tragic incidence as this attack.

ignorant redneck said...

Actually, it's hilarious. Think of this, some New england Liberal "Animal Lovers' think nature is human, and treat an animal as human.

It isn't, and it wasn't.

So, when reality finally breaks through it does so with a vengence. I have little pity for anyone involved, for compassion doesn't allow for pity. (That's from heinlein, BTW)

We have to laugh at this, for laughter is courage in the face of the implacable. And these idiots are the types who now control our government.

so, yeah, it's appropriate to laugh, because this situation is ultimatly the product of human folly, and if we do not laugh at human folly we will go mad.

Oh--please don't tell me what or how to think, or what I may find funny or not. Makes me touchy, and a trifle grouchy.