A Chinook helicopter went down in Afghanistan last night, killing all aboard. I know this because the TeeWee newsreader this morning said "A US helicopter was brought down in Afghanistan, killing 31 US troops, mostly from the Special Forces. We'll be back after these messages with who claimed responsibility..."
"Claimed responsibility"? Are you kidding me?
Did Edward R. Murrow ever say "An Army Air Force B-17 was shot down over Düsseldorf today. We'll be back after these messages with who claimed responsibility"? No, he didn't. And do you know why? Because he wasn't a microcephalic hairspray-headed cretin whose entire world outside of Manhattan cocktail parties consisted of nothing but an endless globe-spanning daisy chain of identical luxury hotel rooms joined by a pressurized tube of first-class airliner cabins and the back seats of Cadillacs, that's why, you plush-bottomed yahoo.
We know who shot the helicopter down in Afghanistan: That would be the people we are fighting in Afghanistan. My cat knows who shot the helicopter down, and she has a brain the size of a chickpea. Did you think I was going to sit breathlessly on the edge of the couch through the commercial break, wondering who had claimed responsibility? "Gosh, who could have brought down a Chinook in Wardak Province? The IRA? The Cubans? Oh, I hope they tell me who claimed responsibility."
We need to take a cue from the old Roman republic and fling murderers, traitors, perjurors, and idiotic bubbleheaded moron newsreaders to their deaths from atop the 30 Rock*.
*L'esprit de l'escalier note from Sunday afternoon: The punchline would have been a hundred times better if I had them hurled to their deaths from the Trigenta Rock. Ah, well...