Saturday, August 06, 2011

Fundamentally Unserious.

A Chinook helicopter went down in Afghanistan last night, killing all aboard. I know this because the TeeWee newsreader this morning said "A US helicopter was brought down in Afghanistan, killing 31 US troops, mostly from the Special Forces. We'll be back after these messages with who claimed responsibility..."

"Claimed responsibility"? Are you kidding me?

Did Edward R. Murrow ever say "An Army Air Force B-17 was shot down over Düsseldorf today. We'll be back after these messages with who claimed responsibility"? No, he didn't. And do you know why? Because he wasn't a microcephalic hairspray-headed cretin whose entire world outside of Manhattan cocktail parties consisted of nothing but an endless globe-spanning daisy chain of identical luxury hotel rooms joined by a pressurized tube of first-class airliner cabins and the back seats of Cadillacs, that's why, you plush-bottomed yahoo.

We know who shot the helicopter down in Afghanistan: That would be the people we are fighting in Afghanistan. My cat knows who shot the helicopter down, and she has a brain the size of a chickpea. Did you think I was going to sit breathlessly on the edge of the couch through the commercial break, wondering who had claimed responsibility? "Gosh, who could have brought down a Chinook in Wardak Province? The IRA? The Cubans? Oh, I hope they tell me who claimed responsibility."

We need to take a cue from the old Roman republic and fling murderers, traitors, perjurors, and idiotic bubbleheaded moron newsreaders to their deaths from atop the 30 Rock*.

_____________________________
*L'esprit de l'escalier note from Sunday afternoon: The punchline would have been a hundred times better if I had them hurled to their deaths from the Trigenta Rock. Ah, well...

26 comments:

RobertM said...

It was the Jews. They got lost on their way to drink the blood of orphans in Iran.

Anonymous said...

Tam,

I enjoy reading your blog because you say the things that ought to be said the way they ought to be said.

Anonymous said...

If we really took a cue from the Romans, we wouldn't be in Afghanistan at this point, because we'd have long since exterminated everything that moves on two feet.

There are plenty of moral problems with the "Kill 'em all, let God sort 'em out" approach, but it is efficient from a military standpoint.

Borepatch said...

It was Sarah Palin what done it.

Newbius said...

Tam,

Before we toss them off, we need to strap some earbuds into their ears and feed them audio of Katie Couric narrating their deaths. We'll throw HER off last.

dakotas5 said...

The TEA party did it. Harry Reid, John Kerry and the media said so.

jetfxr69 said...

This post DEFINES the reason so many of us come here (at least) daily to read the Queen of Snark.

The fact that you string together words to create snark beautifully is only eclipsed by the fact that it is educated and erudite.

Thank you Tam.

og said...

Do you think 30 rock is high enough?

Greg in Allston said...

Take them up in a C-130 over Afghanistan, say 20,000'AGL, and toss them out the back without a chute. It'll give them a little more time to think before they become carrion.

Peter said...

Conscript all of the "murderers, traitors, perjurors, and idiotic bubbleheaded moron newsreaders" and send them as involuntary missionaries to the Taliban. The end result (for them) will be the same, but the Taliban will be distracted by killing them slowly, allowing our folks in uniform to sneak up on them undetected.

Who says bubbleheads can't serve a useful military purpose?

WV - "quine" - as in "equine", for the horse's asses that these people are!

Spud said...

"Take them up in a C-130 over Afghanistan, say 20,000'AGL, and toss them out the back without a chute. It'll give them a little more time to think before they become carrion."

I might add , give em a live mike for commentary on the way down...

Brad K. said...

@ Spud,

I think a mike only live intermittently would be more interesting. And maybe and empty parachute pack, filled with marshmallows.

Seriously, Tam, don't treat the entertainment industry so harshly. I mean, Tom Hanks and Sally Field haven't had a chance to PC the fine points, yet! (Remember in Forrest Gump, how Mama dies of a wasting disease? In the book, she runs away from the poor house with a Protestant. Hanks. Field. PC)

The "after these messages" is intended to make you watch each message, just in case it was the last of the string, and you might miss the gist of the story. It is the advertisers that pay the entertainer to pose as a Person with News To Tell.

Of course, the disruptive nature of the ads are intended to scramble your thinking, destroy your attention on the News To Tell or other story. There is a *reason* that thinking people don't watch much TV -- TV and especially the ads disrupt the thinking process, so that one fails to think longer than the period expected between commercial breaks.

Chinook helicopters, even the deaths of Americans, come and go for the Person with News To Tell. The entertainer has to stay aware of the enduring success of her/his performance -- continued advertising.

Surely no one watching the mass media kowtowing to B. Hussein Obama can have any illusions that truth, honesty, or integrity have any useful purpose for most of those Persons with News To Tell. Well, of course there is the Chris Matthews with his leg-tingle enamorment of The One, that is just creepy. I think Matthews keeps his job for the same reason they keep making new Halloween movies.

Anonymous said...

We need to take a cue from the old Roman republic and fling murderers, traitors, perjurors, and idiotic bubbleheaded moron newsreaders to their deaths from atop the 30 Rock.

I have a suspicion things might come to that once folks can no longer ignore the harsh realities of what our country has become.

jf

Anonymous said...

Forth Estate = Fifth Column.
Islam delenda est.
Reagan Akbar!

OK, any liberals left unoffended?
No?
Good.

Robert said...

To whomever the sound man is for the big drop:

Could you send me the files? I'd love to use the various scream samples for the notes in a new arrangement of God Bless America.

Anonymous said...

The truly saddest part is, far too many of those sort-of-watching that "newscast" have become so inured to hearing that sort of idiotic drivel from bubbleheaded moron newsreaders, it doesn't even register anymore for them as the idiotic drivel it so clearly is (assuming, of course, that it ever did so register for them, once upon a time...).

30 Rock isn't high enough, BTW - let 'em ride the solid boosters on the next Mission To Jupiter; they'll get discarded with the boosters, maybe 75,000 - 150,000 feet up. Give 'em plenty of time to scream into that mike on the way up...until the air gives out.

Kristopher said...

We just need one network to market their content to the over 100 IQ crowd.

Just one.

They will get half of the market share.

John Stephens said...

The Romans would never have been foolish enough to invade Afghanistan in the first place. The Romans fought for loot and slaves. Places where neither were available in amounts worth the trouble (Scotland and the wilder parts of Germany) were simply walled off and ignored. We are in Afghanistan apparently to civilize the natives. Maybe we're too good for our own good?

wolfwalker said...

"We know who shot the helicopter down in Afghanistan"

Uh, Tam? I haven't even seen confirmation that the helicopter was shot down. So far, all I know for sure is that it crashed. Yes, it could have been due to enemy fire. It could also have been mechanical failure, or pilot error, or bad weather. The Taliban claim of credit could be a lie.

I won't be a bit surprised if it turns out the chopper was killed by enemy fire. But I also won't be a bit surprised if it wasn't.

Tam said...

wolfwalker,

True, but sort of tangent to the whole breathless "who claimed responsibility" schtick, all the same.

GuardDuck said...

Located at the base of the 30 rock is the house of the Vestal Morons whose duty it is to tend to the sacred fire of enlightenment and ensure it is never allowed to burn.

Drang said...

If we fling all the perjurers off the Tarpeian Rocks DeeCee will be kinda empty.
Not that that's a bad thing.

phlegmfatale said...

Disgusting, the lot of it. I saw an article at AP since you posted this saying they were mostly the Seals who killed OBL. Hear, hear, on tossing the talking heads over the edge with the rest of 'em.

Anonymous said...

What's up with the chickpea hate? They have feelings too. Oh wait,,it's a veggie??? Nevermind.

PETA

T.Stahl said...

Shouldn't it be:
'Stay tuned to find out who'll be held responsible for this - and who'll be on the receiving end of an Arc Light mission followed by a barrage of one-fifty-fives and a nightly visit by the 160th SOAR. Live footage to follow!'

Beaumont said...

Better yet, place all the assorted murderers, perjurors, etc. IN 30 Rock. Seal the doors. And set fire to it. The more ignoble the end, the more fitting the end, for that bunch.