Thursday, March 08, 2012

True Confessions.

They say that every criminal secretly wants to be caught, and notorious scofflaw Brian J. Noggle proves it by confessing to his heinous federal crime right there on his blog. What did he do? He used a product "in a manner inconsistent with its labeling."

Law-abiding citizen that I am, I have never held the can of Scrubbing Bubbles Bathtub Cleaner as little as 5.99" or as much as 8.01" from the surface to be cleaned. I am a patriotic American and I love Our Lord and I want to see these crimes punished. If federal prosecutors can indeed indict a ham sandwich, then going after Mr. Noggle should be a slam dunk.

18 comments:

libertyman said...

Can someone cite the law?

I may have to turn myself in.

Nathan said...

It would be interesting to see the statistics on convictions under whatever law covers this.

I'm sure I qualify for prosecution for pretty much the same reasons as Mr. Noggle.

azmountaintroll said...

Knocking out my three felonies a day keeps getting easier and easier.

Tam said...

azmountaintroll has won the internets for today.

Weer'd Beard said...

I have several tins of various sizes of Bag Balm. I have not a single cow.

The Brownshirts will never take me alive!

My wife says I use the stuff in a similar fashion to the family in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" use Windex. They would be another subject to a government inquiry!

Brian J. said...

I understand they indicted the ham sandwich on numerous charges, but ultimately only got a conviction on the conspiracy charge.

Anonymous said...

The only prosecutions I've heard of for "use inconsistent with labeling" were for drugs prescribed for FDA unapproved/untested uses, or veterinary drugs being used for humans.

Sendarius said...

While everyone's in a confessin' mood...

I removed the tag.

Anonymous said...

My eotech 553 is missing the lazer warning tag - I'm a baaaad man ;)

Windy Wilson said...

I-I-I use Q-tips inside the ear canal.

Bubblehead Les. said...

Sigh! Okay! You've got me! I'll surrender! Yes, I admit that I have Crossed the Street without using the Crosswalk! Now Read me my Miranda Rights and get me a Lawyer!

Sigivald said...

It's FIFRA ("Federal Insecticide, Fungicide, and Rodenticide Act"), specifically 40 CFR 156.10 (I)(2)(ii)*, which mandates that text on anything containing a covered "pesticide", which I'm 99% sure includes the disinfectants or anti-fungals in that cleaner.

(* I think; it's really hard to handle the broken indenting and figure out exactly what the citation is.)

Now, it's still unclear exactly which law that warning is meant to refer to, or whether it actually applies to that part of the instructions or not... but the text is a plain, stupid mandate.

Ancient Woodsman said...

Stop! Stop!!

Do it to Julia!!

Kristopher said...

Tam: "in a manner inconsistent with its labeling" is federale speak for "getting high".

Some busybody in the legislature was afraid that there might, if they didn't act swiftly, be a dastardly interstate trade in gold spray paint, DEET, ether-powered Whipped Cream dispensers, model airplane glue, and apparently scrubbing bubbles.

45er said...

OT, I think I'm going to steal the slogan from the can based on how Obama is running things now. For those of us paying taxes: "We work hard so you don't have to."

og said...

I have a little trophy room filled with mounted furniture tags. And not all those mattresses were dead when I sliced the tags off. Some were even poached from the Mattress store.

New Jovian Thunderbolt said...

You mean I am a felon whenever I clean the bathroom?!

Phew!

Felony Free since 2003...

Joseph said...

Wait a moment... I thought the nanny-statists were unanimously in favor of the metric system. Inches don't exist in their universe.