Friday, June 22, 2012

*hack*cough* We warned you, Fatty.

This morning the local news was running a canned national story on the fattification of America. Too much sugar! Too much fast food! Too much doing whatever they want!

Turns out that Bloomberg was just a trial balloon, the tip of the spear, the camel's nose. Look around you; this thing's getting a full-court press in the media.

Hang on, let me put this cigarette out so I can come inside and you can hear me better...

Warned you, Fatty, didn't I? Heck, they're telling people that your lard butt is causing Global Warming now, for Gaia's sake! You're using up an unfair share of the world's food resources, and your Number Three Value Meal generates trash the way a paper cup of water and a tofu patty wrapped in a lettuce leaf doesn't.

Brace for it, Tubby, because if it isn't entirely dismantled, Obamacare is the universal adapter for doing whatever they want to your dining habits. Remember, if I pay for your doctor bills, I own you, and if you pay for mine, you own me, and here we all are 'round the cannibal pot.

Come sit back here in the back of the bus with us smokers. (It's okay, we're not allowed to smoke on the bus; they just make us sit here to keep us from getting nasty Third-Hand Smoke from our clothes onto the seats for the decent people.)

And don't you snicker behind your hand over there, Boozie. They're coming for you, too, again, mark my words. We'll save you a seat back here.

42 comments:

og said...

Wheras smoking dope is the new black.

Joe in PNG said...

I predict a new, goverment owned and controlled line of "sinful" products to be carefully rationed to the commom folks. And since there is a 'war' on these things, let's call this the "Victory" brand...
All for the childern.

rickn8or said...

Mmmm, going to need a scrip for your next carton of Winstons? And you thought getting a note from home to let you smoke on your high school campus was chancy. (Or am I dating myself here?) I'm thinking that will be the tipping point, where millions of smokers finally storm the Bastille.

Not being holier-than-thou here, I'm an ex-smoker. Or a smoker that's gone 21 years without one.

But I can make a wine-like substance in the spare bedroom. Growing terbacky that far north could be difficult.

Robert Fowler said...

Joe in PNG, I need your address. I swore a a oath that the next person that said "it for the children", I would beat with the dismembered leg of a 3 year old.

Vinnie said...

I am a middle aged short over weight balding smoker. It is still PC to make jokes about me.

Shermlock Shomes said...

I saw it coming here at IUPUI with the Tobacco Free initiative (see tobaccofree.iupui.edu). I said we'll have sugarfree.iupui.edu and fatfree.iupui.edu and be able to hand out cards to every fatty we see that will have phone numbers for diet clinics and URLs for diet cookbooks.

og said...

Vinnie: Only if you're white.

leBolide said...

Tam - the first link there doesn't work, it just goes to the Google home page for me.

A few years back in college (no, I'm not that young, yes, I took that long to get through college) in Biology, we had to write something about how evolution or natural selection could be applied to modern civilization.
I observed how in colder climes, creatures with large mass survive better, while in hot areas, creatures are smaller and slimmer.

This supported my thesis that all the fatties should move to the mountains and leave the beaches to the fit folks. #localsonlySantaCruz

Jay G said...

Heh. Great minds or something this morning.

What I liked from the article (and when I say "liked" I mean "made me sputter in incoherent rage") was that doctors are blaming "Big Food" for *ZOMG FORCING* people to supersize...

You know, just like the cigarette companies FORCED people to inhale burning plant material...

perlhaqr said...

Hah.

Yes, smoking "Winston" brand cigarettes seems pretty appropriate. Very 1984.

I have a feeling that the comment I left on the website in the first link isn't going to get approved by the moderator.

karrde said...

If they actually cared for people's health, they would encourage everyone to drink red wine (in moderate doses).

Since I haven't seen that one warming up, I'm assuming that health worries are an excuse for power trips.

First they came for the smokers...

Stranger said...

Given the many statements from the 'Bam regime that we should be glad to eat what we can get instead of what we want to eat, I suspect the object is to twist our arms to adopt a "healthy 1000 calorie a day vegetarian diet."

Just like the Chinese, the NORK's, and other fine specimens of humanity. Who are fortunate to get a fake meat ball made of old cardboard once a week.

As a dedicated carnivore, I would stack my veins and arteries against the vegetarians of the Class of '33 - except all the herbivores in the Class of '33 have either died or are in a class for advanced Alzheimer's patients.

Bottom line? Veggies are what food eats, and for those who like wrinkles, arthritis, and Alzheimers.

Stranger

Anonymous said...

Does this mean that it's time to return our dangerous stocks of heavy metals to them? Jacketed in copper, of course, so no children end up with lead poisoning.

CDP said...

It is government prep for the sin tax. They will double the price of smokes, chew, cigars, booz, Micky D's, so they can get their unfair share from fatty the smoking boozer. Spit-ding!

DirtCrashr said...

Gah! The New Temperance Movement is a force in farce, but a force nonetheless because they can justify ANYTHING with it. *ANYTHING* including lead ammo and 2nd hand GSR and make it all "Doctors Orders." Like the Doctors who ordered eugenics operations, NHS death panels, and the ones who lobotomized the Kennedy Girl...

Fuzzy Curmudgeon said...

@Sherm: Let me know if they implement that, so I can come down to my old alma mater and clock the first clown who tries to hand me one of those cards.

It would be worth the assault charge. I could say I was provoked. I'll bet the jury would acquit me, too.

docjim505 said...

What's TRULY frightening is the large percentage of people who think that having the .gov tell us what to eat, what to drink, what (not) to smoke, etc. is absolutely fine! Yessir, a GREAT idea! One of the best!

Who ARE these idiots? Or are the really idiots if they are smart enough to realize that they are too stupid to run their own lives and NEED .gov to tell them how to do it?

Tam said...

docjim505,

"What's TRULY frightening is the large percentage of people who think that having the .gov tell us what to eat, what to drink, what (not) to smoke, etc. is absolutely fine!"

Ah, but there's the beauty of it!

Nobody thinks it's a good idea to tell US what to do. After all, we're already doing it. Everybody thinks it's a good idea to tell THEM what to do, because the poor wretches seem to be able to do the right thing on their own (the way WE do.)

Laws are ALWAYS to make the other guy do right. ;)

Christina LMT said...

I had to bite my tongue nearly in half when my nutrition professor last semester CROWED about her part in getting bake sales banned from local schools.

Rustmeister said...

Strange, I had a thought this morning driving into work -

"I should start laying guilt trips on fat hippies, telling them they are hurting the planet by eating too much."

Really, I did.

KM said...

Just let Nancy, Harry and the czars do your thinking for you.

They are much more capable than we are....

Ken O said...

Slag DC, NYC and CA- it's our best option.

cbrjmack said...

They won't be happy til we are all like Jack Nicholson's character at the end of One flew over the Cuckoo's Nest .

Firehand said...

Reminds me of a go-round with a friend over Obama's "I'm going to change immigration law, screw Congress." He likes it.
Me: So when some politician you DON'T like takes a law you DO like and trashes it, I'm going to remind you of this.
Him: I'll worry about that then, I like this change.
Me: Dammit, 'then' is TOO LATE!

No, he doesn't seem to care.

Anonymous said...

And lets not forget that "Fatty" will basically be redefined down like the drunk driving laws were.

Started getting the blatant weavers and "I was too drunk to walk so I drove", which we could all agree was good thing, eased on down to the "legally drunk" crowd which started as pretty damn dangerously drunk and is now so little booze in many places that you might has well not bother drinking at all. ( even though being tired, or talking on your cell is probably more dangerous that the lowest levels of "legal drunkenness")


You can see that the fatty's are going to start as the truly obese egg shaped types and within 2 decades be anyone not meeting the ideal BMI to the decimal.

Chris said...

What percentage of people you know are capable of envisioning consequences beyond first effects, unassisted? Single digit percentage, right? So the reactions of the vast majority of short-sighted people as to the mission creep in things like this doesn't surprise me a bit. Besides, this is what state-run schools are trying to produce: a populace unable to think critically, who view government as their friend and protector, and view learning or thinking for themselves as painful at best.

rms/pa said...

every night, a percentage of the population goes to bed, in fear and trembling, that someone, somewhere is enjoying themselves, and they cannot put a stop to that.

rms/pa

Anonymous said...

"Nobody thinks it's a good idea to tell US what to do. After all, we're already doing it. Everybody thinks it's a good idea to tell THEM what to do, because the poor wretches don't seem to be able to do the right thing on their own (the way WE do.)"

Which is why encouraging people to carry is good and right, but having other people try to discourage us from carrying is bad and wrong.....;-)

Tam said...

Anon 4:54,

"Which is why encouraging people to carry is good and right, but having other people try to discourage us from carrying is bad and wrong.....;-)"

The day you see me seriously calling for legislation to make carry mandatory, you may pistol whip me to my knees.

"Encouraging" != "Legislating"

Larry said...

It's nice here at the back of the bus...

John A said...

`As a senior member of the House Armed Services Committee, I'm concerned that growing numbers of young Americans are “too fat to fight, ...”`

Yes, and we should establish a "President`s Council on Fitness" or some such in response. Oh, wait, that was President Eisenhower, my bad.

Joseph said...

Wasn't Lipidleggin' intended to be far-fetched satire?

Divemedic said...

Now all restaurants are Taco Bell.

Robin said...

After the Fast Food Wars, Divemedic.

mikelaforge said...

"Come sit back here in the back of the bus with us smokers."

It might be a short bus, but it's my bus, dammit. Smoke'em if you got 'em.

OrangeNeck said...

They better just build buses that are nothing but rear, then.

d said...

I smoke around half a pack or more of unfiltered cigs daily, I eat insane ammounts of the most dreaded kinds of fatty foods, I'm a raging alcoholic and...by today's standards I should be a fat slob yet I posses a level of fitness that every pencil necked health nut wishes for but can never attain through conventionally 'healthy' lifestyles.

Because apparently as a grown man I don't know how to properly better myself and I need soy and an eliptical machine to do that.

MSgt B said...

...and guns in the home are definitely a safety hazard.
People who own guns should have to pay more for their health insurance.
We all know that gun owners are going to end up accidentaly shooting themselves.

No one's figured out yet how to tie that in to Global Warming...but it's only a matter of time.

Library-Gryffon said...

The worst part about the food police is that every few years they come up with a completely different set of "bad stuff", and the previously "bad stuff" becomes, if not "good stuff", at least "alright stuff". And of course the new "bad stuff" is last years "must-eat it's-so-good-for-you stuff".

tweell said...

+1 on the food police. Are eggs good or bad this year? It's changed so many times that I've lost track.

Matthew said...

Follow the logic...

More people in the back of the bus creates a need for more "back" in every bus.

Requiring more back in every bus can only result in longer busses.

Longer busses have, wait for it, more room -under- them.

None Dare Call It Conspiracy

Joseph said...

In other news, not only are fat people about to be regulated but they are also a protected group.

In today's society, everything not forbidden is compulsory and some things can be both.