Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Curses! Foiled again!

Ever since I learned of the existence of the Indian Bureaucrat-Killing Monkey, I have been scheming a way to introduce a breeding population to the states. A bit of gene-splicing to make them into flying bureaucrat-killing monkeys, and we'd be well on our way to curing many of the ills that plague this great land of ours.

Unfortunately, my most recent attempt was thwarted. Drat all incompetent monkey smugglers! You were supposed to poke holes in the container!


Jim said...

Knowing of your interest, I'm ashamed at not keeping you posted on a possiblity from Iowa where we still have a few bonobos which we can't afford to feed due to a lack of government funding.

I don't know if these guys are instinctive politician-chewers, but Wiki says they have been know to eat "lower-order primates." Sounds promising to me.


Jake (formerly Riposte3) said...

[Lurch voice]You rang?[/Lurch voice]

Oh, something about monkeys.

Hmmmmm. Flying, bureaucrat-killing monkeys. I'm in!

og said...

Plenty holes in the crate. And monkeys will make their own holes, trust me.

No, the iussue was not rustproofing the valves with animal fat, because then the monkeys'd have had something to eat on their journey. Blame those goofy vegetarian Hindoos.

Shrimp said...

I have to agree with og, it was definitely a food issue. They were in the crate for over a year.

Somebody should have found a low to mid-level red tape pushing bureaucrat to shove in there so they'd have something to munch on. I understand wanting them hungry upon arrival so that they can inflict maximum damage upon the DC Horde, but apparently a year is simply too long to wait.

Oh well, lessons learned and all that.

og said...

If you wrap the bureaucrat in chicken wire, the monkeys will only be able to eat small bits at a time, keeping him alive for much longer.

yes, I've given this some thought. What?

Anonymous said...

If you use chicken wire PETA will charge you with cruelty to monkeys.

Anonymous said...

So, your beachhead on the shores of Indiana has failed?

Next time I suggest parachuting the monkeys in behind the beachhead at Whiting.

Shootin' Buddy

DirtCrashr said...

The DNA splicing to get a flying monkey shouldn't be too hard or go back too far in the gene sequencing, even just using a chicken - but you might wind up with a dinosaur.
A flying dinosaur-monkey that kills bureaucrats would be awesome cool too.

Tam said...

"A flying dinosaur-monkey that kills bureaucrats..."

I had to say that out loud a few times, just to roll the syllables around on my tongue.

That's just beautiful, man...

Brad K. said...

I stood in line at Lowe's a few years back. The fellow ahead of my complained that cashier rang up one of the items twice. A manager was called. And the answer was to re-run each item, in the correct reverse order, through the register to void it off the ticket, until the original mistake was corrected. Lowe's promptly corrected the software, so that kind of repair wasn't needed, ever again.

The clerk and manager both blamed "the computer" (the figurative bureaucrat in this story). My observation was that somewhere there was a programmer that wrote that software. And the Programmer had a manager that decided, "Forget that nonsense! Ship it the way it is!" That manager should have received a slap on the wrist.

Lowe's had someone in the admin side of things that arranged for the particular cash register / computer model, and that particular software version. That manager/veep should have received a slap on the wrist.

Most bureaucrats have a manager that defines what their task is, and how they will be evaluated for promotion and raises. Those managers, not the bureaucrat on the front lines, define how their particular government program gets implemented. They need the slap on the wrist (monkey attention).

Someone set out to create an industry to exploit government spending for that particular government program. That bozo (Congress, the President, special interest lobbyists) needs a slap on the wrist (monkey attention).

Now, the customers at Lowe's might have been irritated at shenanigans like brutally inept mistake recovery processes, but they could afford to shop somewhere else (vote against Lowe's) until the crap was corrected.

Can voters afford to do anything different, to vote against any of the bozos (Congress, the President, special interest lobbyists) until the crap gets corrected?

You don't cut a dog's feet off for getting muddy footprints on the cars seat (that doesn't avoid the mess of muddy stump prints; please don't try this at home, and I am just guessing at the effect, as I wouldn't try it. For muddy foot prints. On the car seat. At least, the first time.). The responsible owner trains the dog (dismantles the program, re-orients the guidelines and public sector unions, puts elected officials into office intent on correcting abuses and actually minimizing abuse and graft) what the expected behavior is, and then assures proper behavior all times, even when the paws aren't muddy or the dog isn't near the car, or furniture, or people that aren't in the midst of playing with the dog.

Don't set the monkeys at the bureaucrats. Let their union send them to picket Wisconsin, and gut their particular government program. That'll show them.

Kristopher said...

Brad K.

They all still need to be thrown into scorpion pits.

Do not allow whining about managers and responsibility prevent you from doing the right thing and throwing them all into the pits.

og said...

"Don't set the monkeys at the bureaucrats"

Claiming "its the managers" is like giving the concentration camp executioners a pass because they were following orders. This is not about a dog leaving muddy footprints, it's about a dog eating your children. Think that can be "Trained out" of lassy before Timmy gets home from school today?

Will said...

Don't lose sight of the fact that the primary job of any bureaucrat is to ensure that his position, and department, doesn't disappear. This goes for anyone in gov't who flies a desk. Everything else is secondary to this fact.
The bureaucracy he works for has the same institutional focus, to ensure the longevity of itself, not whatever it's letterhead may indicate it is supposed to be doing. That stuff is just cover to camouflage their primary focus.

Anonymous said...

The bureaucrat killing monkey is species Homo, genus Sapiens.

If we don't do it, it is hardly fair to blame another species.

A bureaucrat takes lessons from situation A, and applies them to situation B, and thinks that it is the right thing to do.

Joel said...


Don't forget the frickin' laser beams, 'kay? Because nothing says awesome like laser beams.

Shrimp said...

@ Anon 11:27

PETA would throw a fit if we fed bureaucrats to the monkeys (spoiled food, causes indigestion don't ya know), so it really doesn't matter what kind of tortilla in which the bureaucrat taco is wrapped. But, since that seems to be their preferred food, that is what they should be fed.

Personally, I think the og model is a good approach for the next time.

Actually, Tam ought to be selling this as a nuisance removal service, sort of like an exterminator. Maybe she can partner with Orkin or something.

"Hello, Tam's Bureaucrat Control."

"Yes, I have a nest of bureaucrats that have moved into my neighborhood and taken over the city hall building. I'm sure that this will turn into a big problem if we don't get them removed right away. I'm currently out front and saw a group of them talking about zoning laws and increased fees for building permits."

"We'll be right down, ma'am. And you keep clear, the flying monkeys we use sometimes have been known to go after HOA board members and PTA members. We wouldn't want them to come after you by mistake."

"Oh, that won't be a problem, I called you guys out for them last week."

"Now, you know, we could go with an upgraded service and use our patented flying Dino-soar Monkeys (TM) which are guaranteed to have 100% removal in the first 24 hours, or it's free."

...Yeah, I don't where I was going with that, but it was a nice little trip.

Brad K. said...

@ og,

"Trained out" of lassy before Timmy gets home from school today

Colorful metaphor, og. Recall that there are millions more pit bulls, living peacefully and without threat to family and neighbors -- not all instances of potential danger need become problems.

No, you don't train lassy before Timmy gets home from school. You start by keeping Lassy away from Timmy until trained. Or, better yet, you consider whether this lassy is appropriate for this Timmy before bringing the two together. And assuring that both behave appropriately, understand the rules, and demonstrate mastery (i.e., 50 successful repetitions of the lessons learned) before expecting that the training has been mastered.

Convince or replace senior bureaucrats until you get the behavior you want from said bureaucrats. Establish expected behavior, punish abuses - - that is, take and keep responsibility for what you set in motion. In the case of bureaucrats, that is the panoply of government programs. Trim back or eliminate programs as soon as they meet the needs or goals, or when they show to be ineffective.

Replace or remove the bureaucrat, and like the dog's paw, you fail to do anything constructive. Don't be a bureaucrat, or think like one. Save the monkeys and pits for the bozos that could turn things off or turn them around.

og said...

An excellent apologia for useless morons who don't deserve it. The fact is, the bureaucrats are already eating the babies, and you persist in apologising for them. Have fun with that crazy, you ain't gonna sell any here.

Chas S. Clifton said...

But apparently you Hoosiers have a bounty on police officers. I expect more explication of that one soon. :)

DirtCrashr said...

How about, a 40-foot tall flying dinosuar-monkey that kills bureaucrats? Call it Hanuman, or if the chicken sequence is dominant, Garuda? I try to help. :-)

Dan F said...

Chas, read the comments on the post before this one.
'Bounty on police officers?' We're talkin about Indu, not Derry or Tijuana.

Anonymous said...

^ *Indy

Chas S. Clifton said...

@Dan F. Gosh, I'm falling behind in my comment-reading, not to mention other rabbinical commentaries.

Goober said...

So at this point we have 40-foot tall flying dinosaur monkeys with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads, who kill bureaucrats.

The comments section on your blog is a wonderful thing, Tam/

Brigid said...

But soon they'll be remarketing unwanted shark cages as the Ronco Flying Monkey Cage so the beaurocrats can bob around in them and take photos of their bravery for the re-election campaign.

Brad K. said...

@ og,

I ain't apologizing for no one.

It just seems to me that yelling "You are an idiot!" at the village idiot doesn't accomplish anything. It doesn't change the village idiot, and you make yourself look foolish (since everyone else already knows that the village idiot is an idiot, and that is the very reason the idiot holds the title of village idiot. Well, unless your shouting puts the village idiot title up for a vote). Nothing against villages, or village idiots, for that matter.

Bureaucrats are a dime a dozen. If you want to fix anything, you have to put pressure on the folk with the damn dimes.

Of course, if you are having more fun railing at the bureaucrats, rather than be a benefit to your home, family, and community, well . . Enjoy!

Will said...


I think you overlooked the method that is needed to get the typical bureaucrat's attention.
The various ones discussed in this comment thread, if applied to his predecessors/compatriots, should be adequate for this purpose.
I wonder if re-instating dueling would be useful?

phlegmfatale said...

Oddly enough, next week is Monkey Nose-Rape Awareness Week. Be sure to pause next Tuesday for a moment to give thanks your nose has not been violated by a throbbing hot monkey piston. I know I will.

og said...

"Of course, if you are having more fun railing at the bureaucrats, rather than be a benefit to your home, family, and community, well . . Enjoy!"

That was the sound of the point, Brad, whizzing over your head at mach 0.7. Thanks for playing.

DirtCrashr said...

I don't think Brad has ever met an Indian Bureaucrat-Babu. From Tamil Nadu to Andra Pradesh, there's nothing else quite like them, it's a "pinnacle" of development (and corruption, cronyism, deceit, and backstabbing) that even such as those in Washington DC might aspire to. Last we saw of their kind in the West was Lucretia Borgia.

Brad K. said...

@ Will,

My initial assumption is that getting a bureaucrat's attention is a waste of time, if not actively detrimental to one's self. Even supposing one were interested in improving service over assuring tenure and resisting change, a bureaucrat is at the mercy of the system just as the rest of us. It takes someone higher up to affect a silly thing.