Thursday, April 10, 2008

Anus niveus, stupor mundi.

So, I was reading a post not long ago at Phlegmmie's place, a serious post about the Obama passport kerfuffle, when something she said gave me pause:
Are there different criteria for granting/processing passports for the elite? Do they have to tell whether or not they've had a nose job and anal bleaching? I'm guessing not.
Now there were two words that had, up until this point, gently bumped off my ear and sailed away without really sinking in: "anal bleaching". What the heck was this? Sure enough, Wikipedia had an article.

I was well and truly down the rabbit hole now, if you'll excuse the metaphor. I clicked on one of the links at the Wiki, and it took me to a column by some chick at the Village Voice who apparently writes on some regular basis... daily, weekly, quarterly, hourly, I'm not sure ...about buttholes. I had no idea that the topic had such variety. (The chick in question, incidentally, is kin to Thomas Pynchon, which explains rather a lot when you think about it.) Anyhow, after reading the article, what I am gathering is that there are folks who are dissatisfied with the color of their distal sphincters and wish to better their lot in life by making them paler. Hey, it's a free country, I guess.

Of course, the initial reaction to this is to head for the history section of the library in search of the appropriate "Decline and Fall of Rome" quote. I mean, what could possibly be more decadent than adjusting the tint knob on one's cornhole? But that's not really right. The next impulse is to laugh at the vanity of it all. I mean, I don't even really know what color my butt is for sure, and I've certainly never contemplated it with an eye towards dyeing it to match my shoes.

When all is said and done, however, what I mostly feel is amazement at how totally we have subdued this planet. Once we were freezing to death in caves, worried about becoming lion chow, and now we have so thoroughly conquered the needs of food, shelter, and safety that we are free to lounge about and think "You know, I think life would be about perfect if only my poop chute were a whiter shade of pale." O brave new world that has such assholes in it.

43 comments:

Roberta X said...

...And given some of the Dire Warnings about anal-bleaching compounds, it's possible that Death rides in not on a pale horse but a similar hooved quadruped...

Cybrludite said...

Clearly P.T. Barnum's quote needs to be updated. With current birth rates, it's more like every 10-15 seconds...

(Wonder how long before folks start volunteering to answer that color question for Tam?)

Geoff said...

I work retail porn, please believe me when I tell you that you really don't want to follow the rabbit hole on what and how folks do to their pink bits.

Jeffro said...

Yep, the pinnacle of our civilization is cleaning up the "dirty eye."

I say, Muffy, love the new landing strip, but you've got to do something about your dirty eye. It doesn't match the new sheets at all.

Carteach0 said...

Thus is displayed a large difference between you and I, Tam. I would not have thought to follow up on the reference. If I HAD had the thought, I would have stomped it flat in gibbering caveman fear at what I might find.

You..... you go boldly forth into the strangeness that is humanity, without fear, without concern for what dark secret that might rear it's ugly little snout.

Anal bleaching..... no THERE is a picture that will be hard to get from my mind. Both a bit of laughter at how removed from the cave we are, and a spot of grease on the skid back to the same cave.

Shane said...

Carteach0, Tam got the comment off Phlegmfatale's site. I'm with you, though. I don't even want to know where Phlegmfatale got it.

Jim Sullivan said...

"I mean, what could possibly be more decadent than adjusting the tint knob on one's cornhole?"

Eloquent yet disturbing. You truly have a gift.

Breda said...

Tam, if you want to include a visual aid for this story (and NO, it's not what you're thinking...)

here's a natalie cartoon (she has one for everything)!

og said...

I am without words I can use in mixed company.

Lorimor said...

What can ya expect from a society where so many believe that milk comes from the grocery store?

And where even more believe .gov is responsible for their general well being?

Paul Simer said...

Holy crap!

(haha)

You posted that entire thing just for the punchline at the end, didn't you?

phlegmfatale said...

"Shane said... I don't even want to know where Phlegmfatale got it."

Um, research?
I mean, DUH! I live in Dallas, where vain assholes come to refine their methods. I must've seen references to "AB," like, 100 times in the past year, and I loved the idea of cobbling that procedure onto the whole bag of celebrity bull-corn where I think it dovetails nicely. Hey--I'm a giver. True story - I know a really sexy Dallas woman who had to have a hysterectomy recently and was desperately scrambling to go get her bikini area waxed before the procedure. I suppose you want to look pretty when folks are going to be all up in your business.

What baffles me is now I suppose they are teaching this in beauty college? I mean, there must be some sort of certification, right? Can you imagine telling someone you do that for a living?

People can do what they wish with their nethers, imho, but what bugs me is in nude scenes in films set in other eras when the actors are festooned with pubic topiary. We're talking pre-Wright-brothers landing strips when Nicole Kidman is checking Jude Law for ticks in Cold Mountain? I think not.

Farmer Frank said...

I'm assuming 'rhoids aren't a big problem for these people...on second thought, I REALLY don't want to know.

Allan said...

All rise as Tam assumes her rightful place at the head of Pantheon of Prose Stylists (and will someone please pass me a rag for my monitor?)

D.W. Drang said...

It took me 5 mnutes to get oevr my snikering enough to write this comment; I can't imagine how long you had to work to get over your laughing enough to write the post!

First the Seventeenth Amendment post, now this: I guess we can all rest assured that you are over your Writer's Block!

Bryan said...

All I can think of is various ways to parody another bit of latin. I'm trying to fit something like "sic transit gloryhole fundi(ment)" and ... gawd I should be ashamed.

BryanP

Earl said...

What a wake up call, I can't have breakfast this morning but Tam shares. And she said she was in depression - and couldn't write well.

She is so wrong, on so many wonderful levels.

Brad K. said...

And I was taught that "The job is not done until the paperwork is finished." Well, I guess I brush my teeth and then gargle, too. I wonder if Cottonelle moist wipes come in a 'bleaching' formula - that would be environmentally sound.

I suspect that even in the caves, there were touches and Significant Looks. AB seems in line with "Well, let's hack this up and make it a prettier shape" (nose, whatever) or "Hey, let's inject some plague or neurotoxin into my face, in case it makes me look different!" I guess if someone is putting on airs, it isn't my place to look askance at their beads, their mannerisms or dress, or their anal bleaching. I wonder if the colors ever go awry, like they can when bleaching hair from brown to an unanticipated green? Or is there an electric orange wash for that 'hot' event.. The mind boggles.

Jeff said...

Next they'll be selling little round "bleach strips" at the local CVS.

Can you see the commercial?!

ditto said...

"I suspect that even in the caves, there were touches and Significant Looks. AB seems in line with "Well, let's hack this up and make it a prettier shape" (nose, whatever)"

You mean like a square one?

Chas S. Clifton said...

"I was well and truly down the rabbit hole now, if you'll excuse the metaphor."

No, I won't.

Kevin said...

What's next, anal piercings?

Johnny said...

This post is beyond awesome but I still want to see that quote from "Decline and Fall."

perlhaqr said...

Kevin: It's been done.

Link extremely not-work-safe. Probably not dinner-safe, either.

http://www.bmezine.com/news/pubring/20041004.html

I'm not kidding. You really probably don't want to click on that link. The picture thumbnails have been extremely blurred, but even the text is not for the squeamish.

Weetabix said...

To just whose discerning and critical observation does one submit his and/or her polychromatic fundament for an ass-thetic judgment as to the appropriate shade?

OA said...

Well, if you're going to wear your ass for a hat I suppose it's best that it's not road rash red.

kbarrett said...

Does the Goatse.cz man know about this?

Ritchie said...

I stumbled over this matter a few months ago, but at least I was surfing links about various chemical compounds. Can I say that I seem to have backed into this subject?

Stingray said...

I guess life's a bleach and then you dye. (More or less work safe, but I wouldn't push my luck)

Anonymous said...

As a good friend of my used to say, some things are designed for input and some for output. Maybe they are supposed to be color coded for those who are too dumb to know where to put things.

TBeck said...

Perhaps the lighter shade of khaki makes it easier to hail a cab?

Oh, God, I'm having a Gallagher flashback...

Brian said...

The NAACP, the Rainbow-PUSH Coalition, and the Reverend Al Sharpton are organizing as we speak. "I weep for this racist nation," Jesse Jackson said. "We have white-out, white copy paper, and now THIS." Reverend Wright and Senator Obama both agreed. "Goddamn America for thinking white stinkholes are better than black ones!" Senator Obama held a homemade cardboard sign that read "SAVE A BLACK ASSHOLE."

What's next, anal piercings?

Actually, Kevin, I'm going to insert one of those playdough form molds up there, so my crap comes out in the shape of a long star.

Thanks, folks, I'll be here all week.

somerled said...

Tam, you've discovered how some have evolved in living life with their best face forward.

Thanks for cheering me up on yet another rainy day!

Sebastian said...

I had to poll the people I know who might know about such things. First, the stripper:

Sebastian: Do you know what anal bleaching is?
Christina: yes, I know what anal bleaching is :)
Christina: it's not uncommon for porn actresses to get
Sebastian: I guess so, since people would be looking there at extreme levels of zoom
Christina: yeah
Christina: and at dvd quality

I won't relay the rest of the conversation, which just went downhill from there. I decided to ask the gay community in Montana:

Sebastian: Do you know what anal bleaching is?
Andrew: no
Sebastian: Thank god. I guess western civilization is safe

So I guess this is something more limited to people in the sex industry.

Hazel Stone said...

Re: actual passports... Yes, there are several levels of US passports. When traveling back and forth to Saudi Arabia in my kid/teen-hood, we carried passports with a dark red cover. Only rarely were our bags inspected by customs in a variety of countries. When my parents went to Egypt on govt business, shortly before Gulf War #1, they carried black passports...diplomats carry those, and they mean "you no touchy" in whatever country you happen to be in.

Just data points.

Anonymous said...

I believe that if a person has 'rhoids, like me, they will die upon bleaching.

Justin said...

Clearly P.T. Barnum's quote needs to be updated. With current birth rates, it's more like every 10-15 seconds...

Mentioning P.T. Barnum in this context just gives a whole new spin on that "Come see the Great Egress!" bit.


Also, the phrase "adjusting the tint knob on one's cornhole" left me in a giggling fit that lasted a good two minutes.

Anonymous said...

So who's game to tackle 'labiaplasty'?

the pawnbroker said...

dammit, i've been called an asshole my whole life...don't mind it, even put it on my "about" page..."pretty pink puckered pooper" doesn't have the same ring, does it?

Kristopher said...

So Tam ... is your traffic count high enough yet?

Anonymous said...

I guess the large comment thread on this post just proves the saying that:

"Opinions are like a@@H@les, everyone has one."

bernie said...

I wonder how one finds out that their buttholes are too dark? Does your lover say, "Hey Hon, you could either really use a bit of lightening down there or you forgot to wipe thoroughly?

Ben G. said...

Its has NOTHING to do with the color of ones butthole.

Its meant more along the lines of: "I hope you get killed in the face with a lawn dart."

You want to be a writer?