Friday, March 12, 2010

You might be a jerk if...

Caught in the act at his local Walmart on Wednesday night, Ralph Conone admitted that for months he'd been punching children on the backs of their heads with his keys in his fist, Columbus police said yesterday.

The 68-year-old grandfather also told them why, police said: He got a kick out of it.

What kind of wiring fault does it take to cause you get your jollies rabbit-punching random toddlers at the Walmart? I mean, seriously...

Ruth Conone said that her ex-husband, who is retired from the Ohio Department of Development, has no history of this behavior, but she said he needs help with mental-health issues.
Ma'am, that is a strong front-runner for Understatement of the Year.


(H/T to Unc.)

18 comments:

D.W. Drang said...

Maybe he should get a job with the US Department of Education's SWAT team...

reflectoscope said...

That'd be the damnedest breacher I've ever seen. Then again he might just come up with the right key the first time and save the trouble of shooting the hinges.

Jim

loren said...

What this guy really needs is five minutes with me. As a father, I could explain to him in detail why his behavior isn't appropriate. No drugs needed except for the morphine drip while he recovers.

staghounds said...

It's the Columbus Monster!

You know about the London one, right?

joe said...

"...has no history of this behavior..."

That she knows of, at least

David said...

That's it! We have to start banning keys in the hands of people over 65 years old.

We won't get too carried away, just a few common sense restrictions.

or better yet, just hand the creep over to a couple grandfathers who will explain to him why his behavior is unacceptable.

Personally I would have a hard time hitting a 68 year old man, but I have a 75 year old father who would be happy to pound the crap out of him for a while.

crankylitprof said...

Dude better give thanks to whatever deity he holds to that he never laid a hand on one of my kids.

atlharp said...

Maybe the guy was teaching Middle School.

Brandon said...

You might be a jerk with a seriously-beaten-down ass if...

that were one of my children. Hell with medieval; I'm going Stone Age on that ass.

Alex said...

That sounds like assault with a weapon to me. I don't believe I would beat him down if he did that to one of my kids, pretty sure I would put a bullet in him. One punch can be deadly to an adult, and especially a kid.

Chas S. Clifton said...

I wonder if he ever showed up here.

idahohunter said...

Dead.. Man.. Walking.. Just not for long

Shane said...

How thoughtful. The news article conveniently supplies his home address, as did an earlier news story.

theirritablearchitect said...

crankylitprof,

You and I are on the same page, there.

Seriously, catching this sick fuck in the act of doing that shit, I'd beat him until his face split open in a dozen places, consequences be damned.

Lewis said...

Wait, you say punching people in the head with your keys in your hand is fun? I'd never thought about that before! Here, let me try . . . .

AP/CP said...

How well do geriatric men who randomly assault little children do in Ohio correctional institutions, in regards to relations with other inmates?

Convict him of X counts of aggravated assault, maximum penalty for each one, and let the problem work itself out.

Anonymous said...

The children he punches are not viable!

Stop violating his right to his body. We must respect the pro-key punching position even if we would not personally exercise such a constitutional right.

Shootin' Buddy

Anonymous said...

I'd suspect that in a fictional comedy setting, the idea of an old(er) geezer that wanders around Wal-Mart looking for children whom can be stealthily whacked in the back of the head would be hilarious.