Friday, March 26, 2010

Down the black hole...

You know you have crossed the regulatory event horizon and are heading for the bureaucratic singularity, from which not even the most energetic particle of common sense can escape, when there are specific federal government guidelines for conducting security inspections of service monkey's diapers at airports.

I will note that they are not allowed to touch your monkey.

This is becoming security theater, as directed by Fellini.

I'm sure special TSA instructions for probulating midget circus clowns are next.

(h/t to Shermlock Shomes.)


og said...

And now, we dance!

Boat Guy said...

"Service monkeys"???
Perhaps I can get a "Sevice Wookie"

Anonymous said...

"Perhaps I can get a 'Sevice Wookie'"

That depends on how Rand Paul does in the Kentucky election. If he does not win, he may be available, however you will have to fly out of Bowling Green.

Monkey cannot be touched, but people may be probulated? Maybe I can get on my plane by not shaving and eating some fruit while in the probulation line?

Shootin' Buddy

Ed Rasimus said...

I never realized the magnitude of the service monkey issue. I feel so much more secure knowing that this is in place.

Are practicing Muslim service monkeys required to remove their habib?

Anonymous said...

Thank you! Thank you!!

I really needed that laugh this morning...

cap'n chumbucket

Ken said...

This is becoming security theater, as directed by Fellini.

When was it ever anything else?

dave said...

What if I've trained my monkey to touch them?

Think about it: a squadron of trained attack monkeys, biting and throwing feces at TSA screeners.

Tell me that thought didn't bring a smile to your face.

Anonymous said...

Delete Fellini
Insert Ed Wood

DHS announced TSA Security Plan 9 from Outer Space.


Rabbit said...

Flying out of O'Hare last Thursday I was nearly the one flinging poo.

Transportation got me there later than desired to meet my outbound. Was redirected to 3 different probulation lines by 3 different drones. Head drone looked askance at me and my copy of Bracken's Big Red Book (DA;tR). At least I didn't have anything "mechanically unusual" in my luggage, like the Nigerian ahead of me in line who had a console clock radio in his bag.

Oddly, they didn't say a damned thing about my subcutaneous portacath or internal metal bits.


Timmeehh said...

The next time I go through airport security, I'll be screaming "Don't touch my monkey!".

BobG said...

Service monkeys? Are those the type that get spanked?

Stuart the Viking said...

WHAT A RELIEF... I hate it when those TSA assholes touch my monkey!


Sigivald said...

I guess TSA can't win.

If they think of it in advance and prevent the trained monkeys in uniforms from interfering with a real monkey (which, if it's annoyed, can cause them serious injury), they get mocked with jokes about "not touching the monkey".

If they don't think of it, and a TSA guy gets beaten by a monkey (or causes one to freak out), they get called incompetent for not training people to not "touch the monkey".

Isn't there some actual stupidity or incompetence to attack them for? I mean, I thought there was lots of that to go around.

I mean, there really are service-animal monkeys. If we must have a TSA that deals with them, shouldn't they know what the hell they're doing?

Yeah, I know, "ha ha monkey". Still.

Kristophr said...

That's right, Sigvald, they can't win.

The entire concept of pre-crime is obnoxious, which is the real reason we mock them.

This is the proper way to prevent 9-11 incidents.

Tokarev said...

Who told you about my midget circus clown?

Kevin said...

There's a book about this:

Tam said...


I can't mock GOP senator's worries about boners, I can't mock TSA's monkey regs... What can I make fun of?

Tam said...

(Long Form Answer: I don't think there should be a TSA monkey diaper inspection checklist because I think that the TSA is an unconstitutional BS agency created out of whole cloth by idiot Republicans to protect their phony baloney jobs and justify sucking more money from the parts of society that actually generate revenue and setting it on fire, which is all government ever does, except this wasn't even the cool, constitutional way of setting it on fire, like shoveling it into B-52 engines or Trident missile exhausts...)

dave said...

Setting it on fire? I wish! At least that might balance out the printing press.

No, isn't destroying dollars, it's just stealing them. They still end up back in circulation, along with the newly-counterfeited sawbucks, so we end up with fewer dollars in our pockets, and they're worth less when we spend them than when we earned them.

wv: prove. That's easy: look at the numbers from anybody but the government and the MSM and you'll find all the proof your stomach can stand.

Mikee said...

My electric razor somehow turned on while the TSA was gingerly probing my dirty laundry on a return trip from vacation. It sounded much like a rattlesnake in my carryon, and provoked a response from the TSA that indicated she thought the same thing. She made ME pick through the bag to figure out what was making that odd noise.

Do not do this on purpose to the TSA, or to anyone with a heart condition, but it was a really funny moment.

Anonymous said...

I read very carefully, but I didn't see anything specifically prohibiting shocking the monkey