Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Move over, Elite Team Fighter!

There are things on the intarw3bz that I wish every day that I'd never stumbled across. For example, yesterday I...

Oh, jeez, I'm laughing almost too hard to type...

Yesterday I found what might be the ultimate in internet gun-wanking Walter Mittyery:

Everyone knows that not even an Elite Team Fighter can stand in the face of those masters of Gun Fu, the Grammaton Clerics, right?

Well, I felt better about the world before I realized that somewhere in America, the Star Wars kid's cousin is busting Christian Bale poses in mom's basement with a brace of Tokyo Marui Berettas and telling his friends that he has a black belt in Gun Kata.

23 comments:

BobG said...

Sounds like something the Mall Ninja would come up with.

Anonymous said...

There's a forum for these people!!!

I don't even want to think about the other half of Rule 34 that you told me about.

Shootin' Buddy

James E. Griffin said...

I don't even want to know the first half of "rule 34." Idjits. Unadulterated Idjits. I'll stick with Col. Cooper's 4 rules, thank you.

Tam said...

"Rule 34"

Caleb said...

Does this mean I can start a self-defense school based around tossing scalding hot coffee on homeless people?

Tam said...

Some guy will pwn you by dual-wielding carbon fiber coffee cups. On the internet.

gunfreezone said...

I got cramps, I got cramps, I got cramps... I can't stop laughing!

Alan said...

I made the mistake of clicking on the link and got sucked into 10 minutes of OMFG!

Wow. I'm going to go cry for humanity now.

alath said...

That was a glimpse into a very... interesting... subculture.

Seeing the web forum format, I subconsciously registered the page as a gun forum and started scrolling down to where all the other forum members would tell the guy to get back on his meds, put down the game controller and step slowly away from the computer, or call his psychiatrist STAT.

No such response, obviously: quite the opposite. There is, apparently, a whole world of these people.

One interesting cultural artefact: did you notice how they had to specify on the few occasions they were attempting to talk about the real world?

We gunnies should have some of that. For example, I carry my P220 loaded with 1.2 kiloton nano-nukes. When I'm in the real world, it's 230gr Gold Dots.

Anonymous said...

Most of the members are from places where there are no guns--Canada, UK, etc. There are more guns in my county than all of Canada.

That place is akin to 8th grade boys talking about sex.

Shootin' Buddy

BobG said...

Hell, when I was in 8th grade I knew more about sex than those idiots know about guns.

NattyBumpo said...

I liked the bit about if your rifle jams, just throw it away, unless you want to be dead. I think my Drill would have come nine different kinds of uncorked had someone suggested that to him.

NB

Joanna said...

I quit reading when he defined "martial arts" along strictly East Asian lines. I just do not have time to immerse myself in that kind of stupid. I give him a weirdness quotion of 3 BILs ('brother-in-laws') on a scale of 10 (my b-i-l Jeff is the midpoint at 5.5).

jbrock said...

I tried to read it, and actually managed to slog through about half a dozen paragraphs. Now my brain hurts.

I wonder if they really think martial arts are exclusively Asian?

(Probably yes.)

Jenny said...

Eh, sounds like standard teenager stuff. I remember a couple guys like that from once upon a time.

It's just that most of us here had the good fortune to get (most of) our Stupid Years out of the way before the Internet let us post (what passed for) our thoughts out in public for all the world to see.

Thank God. :)

Joanna said...

jbrock: I think the Israelis would argue with them. Or the US Marines (Semper Fu, anyone?). Or, you know, any culture with a history of developing its own military techniques.

Basically, this person hasn't had enough exposure to life in general to realize that martial arts != running around in your pajamas breaking boards.

Michael said...

Hey! Anyone who practices the Gun Kata obviously doesn't have what it takes to be an Elite Team Fighter!

Not gonna argue!

Ken said...

Lilek's review of the movie was priceless:

http://www.lileks.com/bleats/archive/04/0904/092004.html

"Our hero, who speaks in that husky clipped monotone of a man so focused he knows that any use of adjectives will cause his testicles to evaporate, is able to mow down hundreds of guards through something called gun-kata. This means he hunches over, avoids eye contact with his targets, fires at random angles that have nothing to do with the position of his targets, and hits them all. You think: that’s absolutely ridiculous. That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen. That’s like invading Normandy by bombing Rome and Havana. Then you realize you’ve rewound the scene six times, because it’s just so stupid cool."

Tam said...

That is about a perfect review of the movie.

When it came out, it was a teeny art-house release and wasn't playing in K-town, so I drove out to Nashville and went to see it with Oleg and a few other folks.

It was a big enough event that I CCW'ed my at-the-time BBQ gun...

Ed Foster said...

Hilarious or depressing, perhaps both.

These people should be fined for breathing our air, then stuck out back in the alley and introduced to the neighborhood bully. They would never come out of Mommy's basement again.

NPB said...

I own Equilbrium, and I like watching it. I knew that I was starting to have a postivie effect on my friends when one of them watched it with me the first time and after that first shoot-em-up scence turned to me and said, "Wait, that's complete B.S., right? You couldn't hit anything that way, could you?"

NPB said...

NattyBumpo:

I had never watched either of those videos of the "Elite Team Fighter" before, and for me, the best part was when that guys says that if your rifle jams and you don't want to chuck it on the floor, you can "put it down quickly", and proceeds to do this quick lunge to the floor and set his rifle down. There should be an Equilibrium II that shows a class of about 30 guys doing the moves from the Elite Team Fighter.

Cue evil voice:
"*based on the Grammton Clerics superior Gun-Kata skills, you can quickly rest the jammed rifle against the wall..."

Kristopher said...

It needs to be combined with Gym-kata, Rule 34, and jarsquatter.

I'll also need movie appreciation chairs ... with manacles. Large manacles ...