Friday, January 27, 2012

Salem's Lot.

Imagine what the Salem witch trials would have been like if we'd had television back then. Young, excitable teenagers suffering mysterious symptoms "beyond the power of Epileptic Fits or natural disease to effect" would have gotten on the Today show, and the attention and excitement would have caused more kids to get possessed by demons, and the Malleus Maleficarum would be at the top of the NYT best seller list.

Of course, we're way too sophisticated for that nonsense now. Now we call Erin Brokovitch.

At least the girls of LeRoy haven't fingered the social studies teacher as a witch yet. (And a good thing, too, because the gullible naifs of that pathetic township would probably have the poor biddy hanged by nightfall.)

Meanwhile, Oklahoma is becoming a vanguard state in the struggle to ban the use of aborted human fetuses in food products to be consumed by humans, a problem heretofore unknown by anyone, save that narrow demographic consisting of insomniacs who own shortwave radios.

My god, it's like the Age of Reason never even happened.


Anonymous said...

Do they define shampoo as "food" in Oklahoma? Any product for human consumption? Medicines?

Oklahoma is worried about lampshades from human skin?

Where does this stuff come from?

Shootin' Buddy

Greg in Allston said...

"My god, it's like the Age of Reason never even happened."

This, exactly.

Anonymous said...

Regarding Erin B, I heard her interviewed on a podcast recently and she made some very compelling points about environmental toxins, disease, and how we track incidences of such. For example, at one school, there was a very high incidence of students coming down with a variety of cancers shortly after graduating (as in multiple previous students at the same oncology doc's office at the same time). Another point she made was that we currently track disease stats based on where you are when you get sick. In other words, if you lived your life in Town A, then moved to Town B for a year before developing cancer, you ended up on Town B's cancer stats. Nobody tracks people's movements prior to developing an illness. So, while Town B (and C and D) might have the folks with cancer, it turns out they all came from Town A.


Midwest Chick said...

When I was a legislative researcher in another state, about 3/4 of the stuff we gathered data on was due to something that a legislator read in the National Enquirer or Readers Digest. Usually we could put an end to the most egregious proposals using facts (crazy, I know).

Bubblehead Les. said...

Re Salem Witch Hunt: It's not a REAL Witch Hunt until Gloria Allred shoves her face into the TeeWee Lens.

Anonymous said...

Forgot to mention that at the HS I referenced above, there were high levels of some toxin(s). The details were fuzzy. I can't remember if that was the school built over a landfill or the one with oil pumping stations in the basement (Bev Hills High?).

Regarding the school with oil pumping gear, they found levels of various gasses higher than what is permitted at industrial sites. One flammable gas was so high, it was a fire danger.


Tam said...

Shootin' Buddy,

They also want to regulate what words can be backward-masked into them Rock'n'Roll songs.

Your shampoo may contain placental tissue, if it is labeled as such, but whoever told you it has aborted babies in it also probably believes in backward-masking.

Anonymous said...

Don't know. I'd love to hear the backstory on this. Sounds like someone is listening to Coast to Coast *whistles*

Shootin' Buddy

Anonymous said...

Soylent Green is people (infant people)!

MAJ Mike

Anonymous said...

Brilliant quote!

Tam said...

If only there were federal laws and regulations concerning what shampoos can or cannot contain that could be researched via a giant data network of interconnected computers...

Anonymous said...

I believe this is where the Oklahoma legislation was born out of...

Living in Babylon said...

I have a Modest Proposal in the other direction.

The legislation has a lot of words in it but it all comes down to Human Veal.

*homer stare and drool*

Kevin said...

"My god, it's like the Age of Reason never even happened."

And Billy Beck is right once again... Endarkenment, anyone?

Stranger said...

As an insomniac with a short wave radio, most of what I hear from "offshore" agrees with reality.

It's only when I turn on the idiot box news that I step into a world where Nibiru is now between the Earth and the Sun, blocking a coronal mass ejection: alien spaceships patrol the planets: there is an alien UFO base under Mount Shasta: every Republican candidate and office holder is a reptile in a human suit: and the mere mention of Barack H. Obama is enough to make left-thinking cow-college graduate talking heads lose bladder control.

Where do the alphabet networks get those crazies? The funny farm?


Stretch said...

Human IQ is fixed.
The population is rising.

Lanius said...

My god, it's like the Age of Reason never even happened.

It has happened, but I suspect Oklahoma has a large population of bible-literalists, who like to think all people need to know is in the Bible..

Or maybe this is a minor thing, some populist catering to a group of deliciously nutty swing voters?

DJ said...

"Where does this stuff come from?"

Beats me, and I live in Oklahoma.

On the other hand, this bit of silliness is keeping him from trying to do something harmful. Let him make his noise; it keeps him occupied.

"It has happened, but I suspect Oklahoma has a large population of bible-literalists, who like to think all people need to know is in the Bible."

It's not a large population, but it is a (ahem) dense one.

Anonymous said...

Can we make food products out of hysterical girls from New York and ship it to Oklahoma?


Tam said...

Remember, if this Oklahoma bill passes, it's still okie-dokie to eat aborted fetuses in OK between now and November, if that's your thing.

Also, I'll note that the bill specifically bans marketing aborted fetuses in products for consumption by humans, so little Fluffy's "Fetus Feast"-brand cat chow is not going to be affected.

global village idiot said...

I agree with Popehat on this one.

This is keeping him (and the people occupied in the committee where this will die its own natural death) otherwise occupied.

I'm going to email Congressman Pete Stark about this. Maybe it'll tie up Congress and give the talking heads something funny to talk about.


WV: turas - they come after the suras in the Koran.

Jeffrey Quick said...

"the girls of LeRoy haven't fingered the social studies teacher as a witch yet." If they had, they'd be on their knees in her front yard, begging to be accepted into her coven.

Kristophr said...

Shootin' Buddy: This is what happens when you believe everything you read on the Internets.

He'll be banning Jenkem, Kitten Huffing, and Bonsai Kittens next.

Buzz said...

Not to mention, Kristopher, cat juggling.


Brad K. said...

@ Tam,

"My god, it's like the Age of Reason never even happened."

Nah. When I was in the Navy the Chief Petty Officer would grimace about some kid that messed something up, and comment, "No matter what you do, 10% won't get the message."

After living in Iowa, Virginia, Florida, Pennsylvania, California, Missouri, Arizona, and Minnesota, I don't think Oklahoma actually has any more of the 10% than other regions.

I suspect the baby parts bill was a misunderstanding about stem cell research, and using pig parts to rebuild blood vessels and things. I sure hope it wasn't the voices in his head dictating to him.

It does sound bizarre, though, that someone interested in authoring that kind of a bill got enough people to elect him/her to office.

Why, this isn't anything at all like the research into fecal transplants (that actually cure some nasty diseases and conditions). No sh*t.

SDN said...

They still have a ways to go before they get to the LA legislator who stated on the record that abortions in the case of incest were a Bad Thing because "inbreeding is how we get our championship racehorses."


Grayson said...


"Fluffy's "Fetus Feast"-brand cat chow?"

Now that I've managed to clean the laughter-launched iced tea off of the computer screen and the wall, I feel compelled to recall a quote from my misspent youth that was first seen in an issue of Hustler Humor magazine.

"We don't want jokes in good taste; we want jokes that taste good."

You are a scholar and a gentlewoman.

Anonymous said...

Ranks right up there with the proposal in the legislature of our fair state to regulate the singing of the national anthem. Although, considering some of the public abortions (yes, yes, very tongue in cheek) I've heard made of the Star Spangled Banner by supposedly professional singers, that one may have some merit. On the other hand, I may be full of it since if I was King of the World, people who got in the 10 items or less lane at the grocery with 25 items would be taken out and maimed.

Note: Amazingly enough, one of the the best renditions of the national anthem I ever heard (on television admittedly) was at a World Series game in San Francisco way back in the day. Was sung by none other than...the Grateful Dead. A capella, no harmonies, no tremolos, nothing fancy with the high notes, just came out and sang it...perfectly.

Anonymous said...


That's nothing, you should check into Rick Santorum's comments from a couple of weeks ago.

Shorter version: If you're raped, make rapeanade - i.e.; if women get pregnant because they're raped they shouldn't abort the child because it's a gift from God however it got here, so suck it up and make the best of a bad situation.

I couldn't believe it - yeah, that's going to win a lot of votes from women, Rick. Good luck with that.

DJ said...

Hey, we made The Onion!,27194/