Friday, October 02, 2009

My line in the sand.

Can we veer from our usual topics here at VFTP and chat about toilet paper for a minute? Of course we can; this is my blog, and I say so.

Anyhow, I freely admit to being something of a toilet paper snob. I don't mean to be throwing brand names around, but my toilet paper dollar has been spent on Charmin and nothing but Charmin for about as long as I've been purchasing my own TP.

Specifically, I am a loyal devotee of the Cadillac of Bathroom Tissue: Charmin Plus, With Aloe. Once you have used this queen of bog papers, never again will you want to subject your delicate netherparts to the indignities of the 320-grit tracing paper foisted on the herd by public restrooms.

Now the Enemy is after my TP. Folks, you can take my light bulbs and I'll grumble, you can make me smoke outside and I'll sulk, but listen to me now and believe me later, little pencil-necked environmentalist man: You had damned well better take my guns before you take my Charmin.


(H/T to David.)

31 comments:

Jeremy said...

Let us hope the rest of the population shares your feelings on the matter. However, at the current rate of decay in this country, look for legislation banning toilet paper in general by next Tuesday. More than likely as an amendment snuck in on a voice vote at midnight with the lights off so no one can be blamed. That is how the cockroaches are doing things these days, is it not?

dxturner said...

I, too, am a fan of the Charmin ... though, since I'm a red meat kind of guy I opt for the Ultra Strong. A quality product, delivering value to the consumer, now that is the America I want to live in!

Being a Charmin fan, I thought you might enjoy this blog post and picture.

Wolfwood said...

Regular toilet tanks, halogen light bulbs...what am I forgetting?

theirritablearchitect said...

"...never again will you want to subject your delicate netherparts to the indignities of the 320-grit tracing paper..."

Funny you should put it that way. Do you know what we call rolls of tracing paper (that still litter the desks of every architect) in my profession?

Bumwad.

Oh, and I'm a Charmin snob too, so don't worry.

No kidding.

Turk Turon said...

"Line In The Sand"

Well put!

Molon lave!

Andy said...

I remember my dear old Granddad complaining about a purchase of John Wayne toilet paper....

John Wayne toilet paper?

"Rough, tough and don't take shit off nobody."

Ah, the memories.

James E. Griffin said...

Reminds me of fellow civilians a while back e-mailing between Baghdad, Baquba, Kandahar and Kabul. Lack of stuff in freakin' cities, water on-and-off!

As I commented: "You have flush toilets???"

Lady friend e-mails from a hotel in Kabul: "Some war zones are cushier that other war zones."

And I'm grateful...

So that's the reason we're doing counter-terrorism - choice of toilet paper. I'll spread the word.

cj said...

+1 on Charmin. I've actually had people ask what brand I used since it was so much better than what they used.

Perhaps the other obvious approach might be to form CAFTROP: Coalition of Americans For The Reduction Of Pooping. Less poop obviously would lead to less TP usage.

cj said...

Oh, random thought, but wondering if this study might have been sponsored by some sandpaper manufacturing company...

Noah D said...

A female friend of mine swears by flushable baby wipes. Carries a ziploc of them in her purse.

Having tried it, I think she might be on to something...

Regular toilet tanks, halogen light bulbs...what am I forgetting?

Showerheads.

crankylitprof said...

The only upside I can see to this is that eventually, Congressmen will end up with 'taint splinters, and lobbyists will end up with lip splinters.

DirtCrashr said...

We get along with the Kirkland stuff from Costco.

Anonymous said...

Looking at the numbers--I'm a numbers guy--it shows 5% for non-skid asswipe, but 26% for paper and cardboard boxes. Okay, half the paper is recycled.

If the freaking feds would get rid of a bunch of that stupid paperwork requirement, we'd save a bunch more than 5%.

As usual, the Greenies are aiming at the wrong target.

Art

Tam said...

I've driven from ATL to St. Simons on the Golden Isles Parkway; I know where the Toilet Paper farms are.

The hippies can lie to each other about "old-growth forests" 'til they're blue in the face, but using recycled toilet paper to save Georgia-Pacific's trees is like eating dirt to save Farmer Frank's corn.

Nathan said...

Well, I'm going to vote Cottonelle, but I'm weird.

I carry it with me on trips because hotel TP is pretty much unusable.

Amen on the TP farms, Tam.

dave said...

Showerheads.
I just bought a house last month. The first thing I did was put up a new showerhead.

The second thing I did was take down the showerhead and "recalibrate" the flow restrictor. With a 3/8" drill bit.

Oh, what a beautiful morning the next one was!

(wv: homsduo. There was a gentleman who made dual-showerhead mounts for homes with 2.5 gpm heads that did a great job, but fed.gov made him stop because the total combination exceeded 2.5 gpm. Must've missed that section of the Constitution.)

Mikee said...

In the classic novel Gargantua and Pantegruel, the question of what makes the best backside wipe comes up. After a catalogue of possible wipers is discussed, including paper and towels and so on, the neck of a young swan is described as the best thing to use, IIRC.

Go figure....

Joanna said...

Feh. Don't count on "they grow the trees specifically for TP" to sooth any wounded bosoms. I rode past some tree farms being harvested on a college mission trip, and the girls with me literally pouted and talked about the "stupid loggers". I didn't bother asking if they liked paper and wood furniture. It wouldn't have made any difference.

Justthisguy said...

I miss the old Scott single-ply. A while back they changed it for the worse. It's now softer and less strong, and sheets are no longer square; I reckon that's so they can make it softer and weaker and still claim 1k sheets/roll. I suspect they were after the female market.

Vinnie said...

I always buy my favorite coffee, toilet paper, and toothpast. Get good bath towels and shower heads. Those every make every day better.
I skimp on stuff that I don't use that often. I only use my tent a couple of times a year so it can annoy me and not mess with my quality of life.

Tam said...

Jtg,

"I reckon that's so they can make it softer and weaker ... I suspect they were after the female market."

Uh, we'd like both soft and strong, FWIW...

Ed Foster said...

What a COS (That's discrete for Crock Of Shit). Not your comment, but the article you linked to.

Young trees, like the 20 year old poplar typically harvested for toilet paper, consume CO2 and produce dramatic amounts of oxygen during their carbon fixing cycle. To whit, while they're young and growing fast.

After maturity, they become slightly oxygen consuming, with a small net loss.

They also shade the undergrowth, turning the land underneath them into mossy parkland, a green desert with little life anywhere but in the uppermost brances.

Chop the buggers down and replant them each two decades, and we're all better off.

staghounds said...

Here's your new brand- an import!

By the way, Google thinks "swarf" is "dwarf".

And their little picture today is of RKBA advocate Mohandas K. Gandhi!

Brandon said...

They'll have to pry my Charmin Plus with Aloe from my cold, dead hands.

Don said...

And it wasn't until 1935 that Northern Tissue advertised its toilet paper as "splinter-free"!

Anonymous said...

Brandon; I think that's "cold, dead butt."

And yeah; shower heads can be opened up nicely with a plain old drill bit.

Hmm. How about a black market in tungsten bulbs that are shaped like CFs? Yes. I think there's a profit potential there. -- Lyle

Windy Wilson said...

Stupid Greens get it wrong again.
It's every law enacted since 1900 that needs to be repealed, not every technological advance!

As one of the participants in the reality show about three families on the prairies living life as it was lived in the 1880's (IIRC "Prairie House"), "Toilet paper is the greatest invention of all time".

doubletrouble said...

Save the Forests!

Wipe your ass with a spotted owl!

(softer too...)

Vinnie said...

Umm wendy...Thats not what hunters are talking about when we say we flushed a flock of birds.

Vinnie said...

Sorry double trouble said that. Not wendy.

Anonymous said...

You realize, of course, that this means war.