Seen in comments at Lawdog's virtual crib:

Priceless.

"After reading through all the conspiracy theories about all the suspicious events in the world, I have noticed that every single one blames the wrong person. It was me. I did it. Name a conspiracy theory, and I'll admit I was behind it all. THe sinking of the Maine; Castro hired me to set the coal bunkers alight with a Habana. The Reichstag fire; it wasn't caused by the Nazis or Jewish communists, I was simply showing Karl Haushoffer how to light farts when things got out of hand. I pulled off 9-11 and framed Osama bin Laden because his brother Rasheed sold me bad falafel. WTC 7 fell because of my experiments with a copy of Tesla's earthquake machine. And the Pentagon was not hit by an airliner or a missile, but instead it was hit by a giant paper airplane when I tried for the world record. I destroyed Atlantis to promote Plato's novel; I promoted New Coke on behalf of Dr. Pepper. I keep the remains of the aliens from the Roswell crash in a freezer that's next to the vault containing every sock that's ever gone missing from a dryer."