Thursday, December 17, 2009

State of Indiana v. Nosferatu.

In the book Monster Hunter International, the heroes took down vampires across the Southeast with a combination of grenades and automatic weapons fire.

Apparently, our Hoosier vampires are more of the sparkly kind like they have in teenybopper training-bra-ripper novels, because we take 'em down with handcuffs and an arrest warrant. We don't even need sophisticated networks of undead detectors, either; our librarians bust 'em when they're typing death threats on library computers.


(I don't get the guilty plea/jail sentence thing myself. Did this guy's lawyer not point out to him that he was a shoo-in for the Rubber Ramada?)

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

Great! I was hoping this would go away, but nooooo, the media has to run with it. As if this state is not wierd enough, we have "the Impaler" back. Geez, couldn't Minnesota or Florida keep him?

The Impaler is well-known in the halls of the City-County Building (Marion County courts). Fun fact: there was even a film made about him in Australia.

Shootin' Buddy

Mikael said...

Wouldn't the first, most important and capital offense of vampire law be letting humans know they existed?

So I say stake him through the heart and leave him out for the sunrise!

[/tongue in cheek]

Tam said...

"Wouldn't the first, most important and capital offense of vampire law be letting humans know they existed?"

You'd think, no?

But I guess Rocky would know their laws better than you or I. He's the King of the Vampyre Nation, after all.

And I'm Marie Antoinette.

Noah D said...

teenybopper training-bra-ripper novels

Ah, the morning's first combined laugh/shudder. Thanks!

Tam said...

I figured that "bodice ripper", while maybe the proper vernacular, wasn't technically correct enough for the topic.

OA said...

Rocky Flash? Really? I take it the career in dirt track racing didn't work out...

Anonymous said...

FWIW, Rocky's not nuts; he's just a devoted Satanist.

(Mommy and Daddy isssues).

Shootin' Buddy

Tam said...

This is obviously some strange new definition of "not nuts" with which I am not familiar.

-Declares himself king of the Vampyre Nation? Check.

-Issues death threats to officers of the court on government-owned computers at the library? Check.

-Apparently believes at least 1% of his own mumbo jumbo? Check.

That qualifies as nuckin' futz in my book. Get him the coat with the long sleeves and mix him a thorazine martini every afternoon at cocktail hour until he understands that vampires aren't real and we don't just go roaming about threatening decapitations, even if the voices in our heads tell us it's okay.

Weer'd Beard said...

"I don't get the guilty plea/jail sentence thing myself. Did this guy's lawyer not point out to him that he was a shoo-in for the Rubber Ramada?"

Well he probably will just turn into mist or a bat during yard exercise and escape!

Remember, Prisons were made to contain mere mortals!

When he claimed he was immune to human law and followed Vampire law, the cops should have just cut off his head and burned his body, just to play fair! : ]

Joel said...

Wouldn't it be simpler to just prove whether it's all true? Stake him out on the courthouse lawn at sunrise and videotape the results:

a: Dissolves into bones and dust - yup, telling the truth, not guilty.

b: Nada - yup, nuckin' futz. Cue the beefy guys in the white coats.

Every way you look at it, you win. Hilarity ensues!

Robert said...

"teenybopper training-bra-ripper novels"

All such novels will forever now have an appropriate description. Thanks, Tam!

Rob K said...

I'm with Robert; that is the perfect description of those books!

Joanna said...

The problem is that there's a difference between "needs his meds adjusted" and "needs a wake-up call." My brother-in-law, for instance, honestly believes that his job on this earth is to care for us all during the tribulation, but he's not clinically insane. He's just so whacked-out dysfuctional and bereft of responsibility that he filled in the gaps in his identity with whatever mumbo-jumbo happened to come down the pike. I guarantee that if sufficient forces conspired to make him face reality, he would snap out of it. (Either that, or burrow deeper -- but again, he's not hearing voices, he's just highly delusional.)

In other words, it's less a chemical/brain function problem than it is a personality disorder-type problem. I'm guessing this Vlad-wannabe falls in that same category.

Anonymous said...

Joanna, spot on. Hmmm, so you've spent some time around Superior 9? When you were with the paper?

Shootin' Buddy

Joanna said...

Shootin' Buddy -- heh, but no. I just have a lot of personal experience with the not-clinically-insane-yet-crazy-as-hell type. More than I'd like, actually; it's looking like menopause is pushing my mother into that category, too. And then there's my other sister's failed intervention ... Christmas is going to be interesting this year. Maybe I'll go hang with the vampire dude for a while. It'd be a change of scenery at least.

Chas S. Clifton said...

The Atlanta Vampire Alliance, in particular, has an ongoing relationship with several social scientists who have been studying them. (I heard a presentation at a conference a couple of years ago.)

Anyone wanting to participate in the research can visit their research site.

To me, however, the big question is why people want so desperately to be other-than-human.

Moriarty said...

Am I the only one who's getting a strange John Cleese thing from the guy's otherwise hypnotic and undead visage?

Bob S. said...

Moriarty,

I'm getting a really bad, really failed porn vibe

Rocky Flash -- almost as good as Dirk Diggler

The Impaler? Come on dude, the 70s called and want their nicknames back.

Anonymous said...

"I just have a lot of personal experience with the not-clinically-insane-yet-crazy-as-hell type."

How many times do I have to tell you, stop dating men that you meet outside Wheeler Mission! (Well, O.K., that could describe a lot of criminal defense lawyers too).

Shootin' Buddy

Michael said...

Re: Rocky's vampiric strength. Obviously he's a relatively new vampire created by a weak sire.

*t'hee*

Midwest Chick said...

I think this is the same guy who ran for president AND he ran for the Governor of MN.

Dan said...

"I don't get the guilty plea/jail sentence thing myself. Did this guy's lawyer not point out to him that he was a shoo-in for the Rubber Ramada?"

Probably just needed some place to stay after he got kicked out of his mom's basement.

Joanna said...

SB: Who said anything about dating? It's worse than that; you can't break up with relatives.