I dreamed I was riding to the mall in a car with Shootin' Buddy. We passed a beat-up Cadillac driving in the slow lane that was somehow tooling down the road oriented perpendicularly to its direction of travel. This "sideways driving" was apparently some sort of new fad.
Anyhow, next thing I knew I was at a mall. Santa came to visit the mall. And by "visit", I mean that the skylight shattered and this guy in a red suit and eight reindeer rappelled in behind a flash-bang.
Well, seven reindeer. Donner stayed up on the roof manning the ropes and, I guess, keeping an eye out for the cops. Rudolph's nose was like a red SureFire. They took people's wallets and Santa was taking kids' toys and stuffing them in his sack. Blitzen knifed this one kid who kept screaming. I hid in a planter until they split. It was pretty surreal.
I wonder what kind of sauteed mushrooms were in that take-out box that Bobbi brought home from the restaurant last night?
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18 comments:
Ahhhhh that wasn't SANTA Claus
what you saw there Tam was Obama Claus. Yup, he may look like the real thing, but he is really there to take your money and toys and if a few kids get stabbed in the process, it's all part of the whole 'Change' thing.
"Blitzen knifed this one kid..."
This is why I never go into the tundra without a spotter with a submachine gun. Those aboriginal reindeer are vicious, man. They are artists with knives.
Which is weird, given those sharp pointy antlers on their heads, but hey. Whatever. Don't ever let them get close to you.
That "sideways driving" may look cool, but it's kinda funny when they try to put the gasoline in the exhaust pipe and wonder why things malf.
"Shootin' Buddy wandered off, as usual, and was last seen muttering about wanting a soft pretzel and all the mess that stupid fat fuck was making. Honestly, people, do your hands not fit a mop? Is it too much to ask for a blood-free, broke glass-free mall?"
Shootin' Buddy
I once drove home, not at 90 degrees, but at about 10 on average. I was driving my beat-up Buick Roadmaster with my wide summer tires on in a suprise snowstorm. I had so little traction that I needed to point the car somewhat up toward the crown of the road just to avoid slipping down the side. It took a bit over an hour. Worst experience of my life.
"Blitzen knifed this one kid who kept screaming."
I keep telling people the reindeer are Finnish, but nobody believes me...
Uhh, waiter? I'll have what she's having.
A double order for me, please.
I'm trapped in reality.
Took a trip and never left the farm, eh?
Drove at about 30 degrees. Old air cooled Bug about the third vehicle on a road covered with 8" of snow and the others were 1970's Ford full sized pickups. Front left wheel in the left rack and right rear in the right track. didn't even need the steering wheel for about 4 miles.
Tam,
1) Stop watching "Bad Santa". If you want the Billy Bob Thornton fix, stick to "the Badge" . . or maybe Armageddon. At least you didn't relive Gina Davis' "Long Kiss Goodnight".
2) Nuts. Peanuts and other nuts can spike dreams. I don't know that the peanut oil in Chinese cooking would be enough, but . .
Next time, go to sleep dreaming of abundant, cheap primers and worry free reloading, of gun stances and management that never miss the target, and bicycle tires that make all paths seem downhill.
Happy New Year!
...And the melt-in your-mouth filet mignon, that she does not mention. (Thing was huuuge; I ate my fill and had about a third left. It's a good idea to toss Tam a little beef once a day anyhow; it keeps the local wildlife safe. Safer....)
WV: "nuctard." I swear.
Not too far from reality...the presence of Santa does have a tendency to empty wallets, though more or less legally.
A Happy New Year to Tam, RobertaX, Shootin' Buddy, Brigid and all others in the Land Of Snark!
You went to a mall? Honestly, that's the weirdest part of the whole dream to me. I don't think I've been to a mall in about 10 years! Everything is either Amazon or a Big Box store these days, and I haven't been in a mall since I left Joisey, fittingly.
Phil
LOL! What would Freud say?
You have the best dreams. I'm jealous :)
That'll teach the kid to ask for a Lapp dance.
Now if we can get Quentin Tarantino to direct, we're golden.
Jim
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