Wednesday, March 05, 2014

As has been mentioned before...

...the single most dangerous thing one can be doing in the city after dark is Minding One's Own Business, because apparently that's a surefire way to get someone to spray bullets at you, at least if the eyewitness testimony of survivors is to be believed.

The second most dangerous thing to do is Turning Your Life Around. Going by local news reports, if you start Turning Your Life Around, you will inexplicably wind up face down in a convenience store parking lot at 0300 with a bag of somebody else's money in your hand, a chalk outline, and half a magazine's worth of the taxpayers' bullets in your ass.

26 comments:

Anonymous said...

It's like they put on their brand new red shirt from Star Fleet and joined the away party on a shuttle.


Gerry

Mike_C said...

Also, the most dangerous people around are "These two dudes I never seen before" who apparently drive around spraying bullets. If only we could catch those two dudes.

Here in the Hub of the Universe an additional risk factor for an untimely, violent death (even after statistical adjustment for turning one's life around) consists of being an unemployed young male and "aspiring rap artist" who somehow managed to buy a $60k BMW ("It was his pride and joy," says grieving mother) despite having neither bank account nor credit history. Good to know that cash is still accepted for all manner of purchases.

Anonymous said...

What? No link?

The Raving Prophet said...

All that's to say nothing of the "good kids" who "wouldn't hurt a flea" who somehow were inexplicably shot by police after resisting arrest for murder 1.

Sometimes I think it's only the hardened gangbangers who were up to no good who live to old age in the inner city; you never seem to hear of those getting shot by police or intended victims.

Dwight Brown said...

"...an unemployed young male and 'aspiring rap artist'..."

Ah, yes. I don't have stats to back me up, but I am convinced that "aspiring rap artist" is the most dangerous job in the US, surpassing commercial fisherman.

Windy Wilson said...

Those two guys Mike_C mentions are brothers, and not in the slang sense. The one, Sum Dude, is a real badass, and seems to be everywhere, always up to no good. Only sometimes is his brother, Thisother Dude, involved, but he's just as bad.

I think it's a tie between this post and "I could pick that dude out of a lineup, and I wasn't even there." for snark of the day, but I think "I could pick that dude out of a lineup, and I wasn't even there." wins by a nose on pure economy of words.

mikee said...

Also to be avoided: ex-anythings.

Ex-con, ex-girlfriend, ex-husband, and so on and so on.

Proximity to an "ex" is akin to standing on an "X" painted on the road and being named Wiley Coyote, in terms of risk.

Anonymous said...

Hi, Shootin' Buddy here,we get a lot of letters here at the virtual law office and people who write me want to know two things: 1. When is my court date?, 2. What can I do to ensure my arrest or to have my children taken by the county?

1. Your court date is the same date and time that I have e-mailed to you, sent you the court order, told you over the phone, sent you a gorilla-gram about, wrote down on your forehead backwards with a Sharpie so you can see it in the mirror, and then had my receptionist perform an interpretative dance to remind you.

2. Start a new job--if you start a new job, you will immediately get arrested, have your children taken by the county or both.

Shootin' Buddy

Anonymous said...

Don't you mean "expiring rap artist"?

Al_in_Ottawa

Marko Kloos said...

And if you're someone's distant cousin without a last name, there's a 93% chance that the dope, gun, or pants found on someone else by the cops are actually yours.

.45ACP+P said...

You forgot belonging to the choir and the inability to recognize danger in "somedood" when in his vicinity.

Robin said...

Another key indicator: not "Deserving it".

If you don't deserve to get killed for committing the violent crime in question, then you seem to end up dead.

I've never heard any family member of a violent POS say that he "deserved it", so I conclude that if I go through life "deserving it", I'm safe.

Stuart the Viking said...

I have seen a parent say "He brought it on himself". Not quite all the way to "deserved it", but I believe it should at least get an honorable mention.

s

alex. said...

Family generally doesn't want to admit that the decedent was as mean as a snake, and needed killing, as we say around here, but they know it, deep down they do. Takes some rare honesty to tell the truth about family where other folk can hear.

Anonymous said...

Mike_C said:

"Good to know that cash is still accepted for all manner of purchases."


Not at Chase bank. As of March 2, they no longer accept cash deposits if you don't have an account with them (can't verify it's origin). :-)

Something to do with a new gubmint reg of some kind or other.

BSR

Dave In Indiana said...

"you will inexplicably wind up face down in a convenience store parking lot at 0300 with a bag of somebody else's money in your hand, a chalk outline,"

Or in the apartment complex courtyard with a bag full of the precursors for making "purple drank".

Anonymous said...


"Those two guys Mike_C mentions are brothers, and not in the slang sense. The one, Sum Dude, is a real badass, and seems to be everywhere, always up to no good. Only sometimes is his brother, Thisother Dude, involved, but he's just as bad."

I'm pretty sure Sumdood, (Evil Criminal Mastermind!), and his henchmen Thisotha and Nutha Guy are definitely responsible for more "random" acts of violence
than we even know .....
Like AD, I'm pretty sure this gang of Supervillians can shapeshift and teleport, at the very least ....

http://www.ambulancedriverfiles.com/2013/02/28/sumdood-evil-criminal-mastermind-2/

staghounds said...


Minding one's own business is also an excellent way to be handed stolen property, guns, or illegal drugs by perfect strangers.

Anonymous said...

Billy the Kid was "turning his life around" when Sheriff Garrett shot him. As were the Dalton brothers when they got gunned down by townspeople (while trying to make a withdrawal from a bank in which they did not have an account).

Firehand said...

Dammit, I was beat to it; I was going to note that if your last name is Sumdood, you'd better change it.

Fast.

dustydog said...

One common-sense, reasonable gun restriction that America needs is the ban of vampire guns. Guns that cops see, and shoot people for, but that don't appear in photos or video footage, and which mysteriously disappear in sunlight.

Critter said...

around these parts the worst of the worst offenders are DemToo Doods.

B said...

DisDood and DemDoods.

Apparently, it is a franchise.

Confused said...

Dear Anonymous:

Why would anyone try to deposit cash at a Chase Bank if they did NOT have an account there?

Anonymous said...

It's actually MUCH worse if you one of those people who:

"There I was minding my OWN damn bidness..."

Much. Much. Worse

Jeffro said...

"But he was really a good boy! Waaaahhh!"