(I'd say "Happy Independence Day", but I haven't checked to see if that is still the official approved name for the holiday.)
Today is the day when real Americans light off fireworks (or, in many states, watch the government light off fireworks for them) to celebrate conscription and income taxes, zoning laws and the FDA! Two-flush toilets and government-mandated florescent light bulbs! Seat belt laws and helmet mandates!
Hurrah for Old Glory! Hurrah for the Real ID Act and our great national Ponzi scheme! Tomorrow we'll round up all the doctors and assign each and every citizen his or her very own physician, because health care is a right! Who do you think paid for the bandage around the head of that guy playing the fife in that "Spirit of '76" painting? The government, that's who!
Today's the day we remember the name of the brave patriot who rushed the keys for the trigger locks on the muskets to Lexington Green, just before the bad guys got there! The day we celebrate the airbags and five mile-per-hour bumpers on the Connestoga wagons that made the westward journey so safe! The smoking regulations at Belleau Wood and the non-toxic, lead-free ammunition at Bastogne! The SPF-30 warpaint worn by the native Americans as they scalped Custer!
Today we remember how Charles Lindbergh had his shoes inspected for bombs before climbing into The Spirit of St. Louis, how Lewis & Clark took nothing but pictures and left nothing but footprints, how Casey Jones passed his Federal Railroad Administration licensing exams, and how the battle stations on the Monitor and Virginia were certified OSHA compliant.
I'm going to do something patriotic today, like stay inside, out of the UV radiation, fill out a tax form, and drink some organic soy milk.