Sunday, October 04, 2009

Raccoon City, circa 1912.

Hot on the trail of papers stolen from Georges Sagnac, Inspector Pierre Mondieu of the Sûreté arrived in Raccoon City, where experiments were ongoing at the laboratories of Umbrella Patent Nostrums, Ltd., consisting of exposing germs to the emanations from purified radium while in a chamber emptied of everything but luminiferous aether.

Of course when these germs got out, they turned the first scientist they touched into a brain-eating zombie. (Like you couldn't see that coming.) Assisted by Detective Dirk Manly of the Raccoon City P.D., Pierre cornered the glow-in-the-dark shambler in the file storage room. As zombies (even slightly radioactive ones,) are wont to do, it came right for him. Aiming at the lower tip of the walking dead's sternum with his Fabrique Nationale Model 1910, the intrepid agent let fly...


Between the minuscule sights and the atrocious trigger (and the fact that the bore mysteriously showed the wear of about eighty years, despite this being 1912...) the seven rounds impacted high and scattered all over about a handspan at seven yards, and everyone knows that won't stop a zombie. "Mon Dieu!" shouted the Inspector, certain that his forebrain was about to become an hors d'œuvre, leaving him hors de combat.

Fortunately, Dirk was backing him up with his trusty Colt's Pocket Hammerless: slightly better sights, a much better trigger, and Dirk knew to aim at the zombie between the running lights with his seven rounds:


...and thus was Mondieu saved from being zombie merde.

Moral of the story: If you have to chase zombies around with a Browning-designed pocket .32, use the Colt's and aim at the grape.

15 comments:

Lorimor said...

Or, whack 'em with a banjo!

Ed Foster said...

Do Zombies actually merde? Wouldn't that imply metabolism? And if they do (doo), is it contagious?

Tam said...

You figure that the chow has to go someplace.

Given their diet, one could safely say that zombies have brains for shit.

Ed Foster said...

Kain't touch that! Tam wins.

perlhaqr said...

I'm sticking with the shotgun. Though I've heard a cricket bat works quite well.

Marja said...

The bodily fluids of a zombie can spread the infection (or so I heard) so while a cricket bat might work, the close contact it requires is not advisable. You don't want to get any of the mess on yourself.

rickn8or said...

Ed--
Yes, Tam wins.
But I think she's been planning this particular bon mot all week.

WV: "relflati" what a zombie is when you run over him twice.

Sam said...

Proving once again, "Two is one, and one is none?" OK, that's stretching it a bit. A bit.

D.W. Drang said...

Working on a prequel to MHI?

New Jovian Thunderbolt said...

osm

Borepatch said...

I'm showing this post to #2 Son. I took him and one of his buddies to Zombieland yesterday.

Strangely, all they talked about was how much it stinks to live in Massachusetts, because they don't let you have guns. 13 years old.

Wonder what the gun laws are in France? I'd think that surrendering to the Zombie invasion would be a sub-optimal. Tant pis ...

perlhaqr said...

I dunno, I was watching this documentary before I came in and sat down at the computer last night, "Shaun of the Dead", and the lead character seemed to do all right. Though, he was a bit of a sticky wicket at the end. And he lost 75% of his crew.

Still better than nothing if you run out of shells. Safety glasses are clearly important, though.

cmblake6 said...

Center of the throat, snap the spine. Detaches the brain from the motor functions. Or straight into the nose, through the nasal cavity to the motor function of the brain itself.

Keads said...

I give up. You win the Interwebzs. Again.

New Jovian Thunderbolt said...

Bet they both wanted a Peacemaker. But shucks, that might be too much gun.