Friday, October 24, 2008

Shack up for Gaia!

If you find yourself writing the following paragraph
Perversely, we live in a world where the sustainability consultant in San Francisco is willing to fly in an exotic boyfriend every month from Washington, D.C. All day, she helps companies "green their supply chains" and "internalize core social costs," yet that eco-savvy seems to vanish at night, when she e-mails: Come visit!!! You might say she's willing to be a locavore but not a locasexual.
understand that English is no longer your primary language; you are now speaking snivelese. Also, your sense of priorities is so unhinged that it's in danger of falling off completely. Also also, people like me occasionally lie awake dreaming of bludgeoning you half to death with an uncooked 20-oz. porterhouse.

After reading this, I have determined that henceforth all my long-distance communications with gentlemen will be undertaken with smoke signals from a pyre made of dead baby seals during the day, and by blinking morse code with the flame atop a refinery cracking tower at night.

25 comments:

Turk Turon said...

Taken up Morse Code, have you?

Exxxxcellent!


Captcha: unmat

New Jovian Thunderbolt said...

That's what you get for wearing irony pantyhose all the time. You upset your localverse and have to 'deeditdit' fellers in Iowa.

Ahab said...

You'll need a hobbit to light the first signal fire though or the Steward will get hella pissed for signaling Rohan.

Anonymous said...

"You'll need a hobbit to light the first signal fire "

But hobbits are so hard to light, though these days anything will burn with enough napalm.

OrangeNeckInNY said...

Would that be a FROZEN uncooked 20. porterhouse or a THAWED one, because you know, that's important...

the gripping hand said...

Rather than the fire on a cracking tower, perhaps you could signal using the warning light on the top of nuclear power plant cooling tower.

Anonymous said...

I wondered what that language was. Snivelese. One hears it with increasing frequency here in Portland, OR.

perlhaqr said...

Ahahahahahahaha!

It makes me very, very happy now--in addition to all the obvious reasons--to know that not only do I have ... "friends" on multiple continents, but our love is doing its part to help keep the planet all warm and snuggly, wrapped up in a cozy blanket of carbon dioxide.

Verify: ulatiou!

Anonymous said...

Verily, thou art the Queen of Snark!!

nbc said...

Well, it's one way to tenderise your steak I suppose. But would you want to eat it afterwards?

I'd go with a stake followed by a bbq as I like my steak uncontaminated.

WV: unconica

global village idiot said...

Every time a journalist makes up his own word to sound trendy for just one story, God kills a kitten.

Word verification: chado, first-person conjugate of "chadar", Venezuelan slang for mistakenly voting for the wrong guy in an election that was rigged anyway.

No, no voto para el Pugsley! Eres loco? Mi papeleta? Esta aqui...Ay caramba! Yo chado!

Joe R. said...

Grill the steak... fresh is too limp and too much work to beat the snot out of someone with. After you're done, stuff the steak in their mouth!

Joe R.

Cossack in a Kilt said...

File under "Yet more proof that we are a fundamentally unserious people."

theirritablearchitect said...

"Also also, people like me occasionally lie awake dreaming of bludgeoning you half to death with an uncooked 20-oz. porterhouse."

Um,no.

I'm going a step further and just using the bare hands method. Trust me on this, it's much more gratifying this way.

Seriously, before this is all over, we're going to be exchanging live fire with these a-holes.

Count on it.

alath said...

Why only HALF to death?

Tam said...

Legal reasons. :)

TBeck said...

Baby seals will work in a pinh, but nothing beats manatee oil for long-term illumination.

A conquistador once describes manatee meat as liken unto the sweetest beef. Sigh.

wv: unterf

Anonymous said...

I don't get porterhouse often enough that I would be willing to waste one in a moron beating. That is what rocks are for. They are plentiful, usually handy sized, and the blood washes off easily.

phlegmfatale said...

Wow, that's a great way to tenderize a steak!

staghounds said...

Damn, this totally cancels out this.

Anonymous said...

Well - let's give the dimbox credit for inventing a new language where such minor credit is due. Now, since she had the idea for it, she should wrap it in pink paper and put it on the shelf, since it is probably the only idea she will ever have.

Morse code, good! --... ...--

TheSev said...

You lost me at 20oz Porterhouse to uncontrollable slobber.

Anonymous said...

Signal me in Shippenport PA ;)

I'll respond by oscillating the glowing core of our Nuke Power plant



Nice word verification: ackSMS

Brad K. said...

Tam, The American Radio Relay League, ARRL, wants to help people learn CW / Morse Code.
http://www.arrl.org/FandES/ead/learncw/

Sadly, your sustainability story just highlights the reason that cap-and-trade will not work to bring CO2 and carbon levels down to meet the goals of the Kyoto Protocols .. oops, did I say the 'k' word? My bad.

Anyway, if she respected the guy, if she had any honor to her and looks forward to a family life should would not have planted her butt on the West coast and his butt back East.

She isn't helping push San Francisco's recent move to decriminalize prostitution within the city is she? That would certainly explain a couple of things.

raven said...

Dead baby seals in the try pot makes superb gun oil!