Friday, August 07, 2009

The friends of Bambi form a lynch mob...

Odocoileus virginianus, also known as the whitetail deer, is well known across most of the eastern United States as an automotive navigational hazard, a destroyer of crops and gardens, and part of a healthy and balanced diet. Affectionately termed "hoofed rats" by people who live outside city limits and aren't girls younger than eight, their ritual autumn slaughter is anticipated by a fairly sizable demographic as a good excuse to go out into the pristine wilderness, fire up the Honda generator, and get blotto around the campfire.

If you live in the city and find one in your garden, however, you should be circumspect in disposing of the critter, because your neighbors will absolutely lose their collective $h1t should they find out.

45 comments:

theirritablearchitect said...

Read that bit at Billy's yesterday.

I cackled at both the imagery of an old lady taking the shovel to the head of bambi, in full attack mode, and the term Billy used to describe the deer, hoofenvermin.

Yes, serious spine, that lady has.

The worst part, yes, it's that the effin' "authorities" had to get involved with the matter.

Only slightly less bothersome, as Billy put it, "She put the thing out at the curb with the rubbish."

Jeezis! The Venison equivalent to Veal. That's some good stuff going to waste, there.

Joanna said...

Okay, deer are vermin, I read "Bambi", blah blah blah ...

But there's something disturbing about beating a baby animal to death with a shovel, and then putting it out with the garbage. For God's sake, there are neater ways of doing this. Didn't she at least bag the body?

I dunno. Maybe I'm influenced by the time I found a fawn's hoofprint in the creek mud at my grandma's house. It was the size of my thumbnail. Full-grown deer I don't have a problem with. But this was an infant. I eat veal, but not if it's been bludgeoned to death.

Billy Beck said...

"For God's sake, there are neater ways of doing this."

A quart of kerosene in the back yard?

Caleb said...

This is why suppressors should be unrestricted and available to purchase at your local hardware store.

Pop the A2 flash hider off my MForgery, pop a suppressor on, and hit Bambi inbetween the eyes with a 50 grain hollowpoint. Problem solved.

Tam said...

I'd be worried about Rule 4 violations in an urban setting.

I'm sure granny wishes it hadn't taken so many swings, either, but being a septuagenarian will add strokes to ones game, I suppose.

Caleb said...

Well, since it was a baby deer, maybe one of those .22 caliber Gamo Hunter Extreme air rifles would be better. They've got enough oom-pah-pah to take down a medium sized javelina, so a little deer should be in their stopping range.

Billy Beck said...

{howl}

Scooter blurbed about a "shovel-ready project".

I'm tellin' ya: that boy ain't never been right.

John said...

Disposing of vermin humanely has struck me, more than once, as an excellent argument for the legality of suppressed, small-caliber firearms. Would have simplified, for me, disposing of a couple of badly wounded possums a few years ago.

og said...

Having participated in urban deer reduction, I can tell you with some authority that a quarter inch round, like a 243 win, loaded subsonic, with a can, is the bomb diggity shiznit.

As for my backyard, where the tasty bastards roam unmolested, I often see them standing in front of my archery bales and drool.

JAFO said...

C'mon, a jave with a .22 air rifle?!?!?

Granted, I snipe rabbits in the backyard with mine, but damn.

Deer season starts on the 15th. I can't wait! :P

JAFO said...

dangit, fergot to subscribe... ;P

Anonymous said...

It's a pretty bitchin' air rifle. The pellet is doing something in the neighborhood of 1200-1500fps.

OA said...

Crossbow and a hand crank would do nicely.


Joanna said...
"I eat veal, but not if it's been bludgeoned to death."


If it's been to a slaughterhouse before it hits your plate, it ain't died a good death. Bambi at least couldn't smell the death and hear the terror from the other critters.

Steve F said...

Isn't bludgeoning a lot like tenderizing?

OA said...

Aerobic tenderizing, yes.

Kristopher said...

In WA, the old lady could get a permit to hunt with a crossbow ... all she needs is a note from her doctor that says she can't draw a bow properly.

Shoot the varmint, and have someone dress the meat for her.

Fawn tastes pretty damned good ... I shot a yearling last year that was better than veal.

Anonymous said...

Did anyone read all the comments from the "animal lovers" on this subject, I have a hard time understanding how all their neurons fire, I recall a couple stories a few months ago, one about a bear that broke into a house and the DNr (maybe in TN or that area) put it down and also some person in FL was managing the local cat population.
Now both situations were different but I cant belive the comments that the "Animal lovers" put up they insinulate that anyone who hurts an animal should be locked up or killed, is it just me or is there a slight disconnect from reality in these people????

Matt G said...

"Young fawns are still nursing and do not eat flowers and other foliage, Division of Wildlife spokeswoman Jamey Graham said."

Well, that one sure won't.

Just write her a ticket for wanton waste of game meat, and cut her loose, sez I. She can fight the ticket on the grounds of destroying a nuisance, and see how that works.

No one has a problem with trapping rats, and I'm sure baby rats get caught up in those sticky traps, and squeal, too. It's unsavory, but it's an effective method of dealing with a nuisance.

Jeffro said...

Mice are cuddly and cute, and no doubt suffer horribly when poisoned and trapped. Doesn't mean I'm gonna let them have the run of the house.

Bambi is just a bigger version of Mickey.

theirritablearchitect said...

I'm sure granny wishes it hadn't taken so many swings, either, but being a septuagenarian will add strokes to ones game, I suppose.

Oh, SHIT!

I just wet myself.

David said...

I was antelope hunting with my Dad years ago when he comes running over the hill and asks "Have you filled your doe/fawn tag yet?"

(That right boys and girls we were evil enough that we had a hunting licenses that would allow us to only shoot a doe or a fawn, no bucks allowed!)

I told Dad I hadn't filled it yet, I had spotted a large doe the day before from about 800 yards and was hoping to get a closer look at her today.

So Dad hustles me back over the hill to tag the fawn he had shot.

Dad had found the doe he wanted. He found the animal settled down resting. Since he had a good shot he took it. Unfortunately he shot a little high and hit that goat in the neck instead of the chest. The bullet went through the neck and hit the fawn that was laying on the other side of the doe.

We hated wasting a tag on such a small amount of meat, but I tagged the fawn. It was really good eating. I also stopped in town that night and bought another doe/fawn tag and got myself that big doe I had seen two days earlier.

The Freeholder said...

Sorry to go against the flow, but Granny was way out of bounds. Hunting an adult deer is one thing, but beating a fawn to death with a shovel? Would just as funny to you if it had been a puppy?

For the record I live outside the city limits, am neither under 8 or female, and have on occasion participated in the annual autumn slaughter. I also have limits.

You're giving the anti-hunting crowd a great thing that they can point to and scream "Blood-thirsty Neanderthals!!!" Here Back East we have enough trouble keeping hunting seasons open without this sort of thing. Thanks for the help.

Tam said...

Y'know, it's not something I'd have done personally, nor would I have watched it.

But it's also not something I'd throw my grandma in jail over. At worst, she might rate a ticket for improper disposal of the carcass in city limits.

I see no indication that she did it with any particular relish.

This whole "A rat is a dog is a pig is a boy is a tapeworm is an anopheles mosquito is a smallpox virus" thing has spun completely out of control, though.

reflectoscope said...

1. Re your transmission 1049 07 Aug: OMG. The neighbours are going to think I've lost my mind now. ;)

2. Hoofed vermin, indeed. Controlling their population loudly with a shovel isn't the most graceful means, but it works. I've seen too many people get their cars totalled, or worse get hurt, on account of these forest-dwelling rats. I like the crossbow idea, but like you said, the rule 4 thing might make it difficult. (Unless say you sat on the roof to open up the angle a bit...)

Jim

Kristopher said...

Freeholder:

What have you got against shovel hunting?

Hell ... I'm still trying to find out how to get a seal clubbing permit as a tourist to Canada.

Mikael said...

Bit of an unnecessarily cruel choice of tool perhaps, but maybe it was the best she had available.

A simple wood chopping axe would've done the job in one hit if she had one(yeah, even in granny's hands). Sever the spine at the neck, it's not like the fawn is going to dodge.

theirritablearchitect said...

"...Hunting an adult deer is one thing, but beating a fawn to death with a shovel? Would just as funny to you if it had been a puppy?"

There's an idea.

I'll sick my 100 lbs. Lab-mix on that deer, and he'll...be licked to death!

Never seen a deer that didn't run when chased after by a dog.

Yeah, not graceful, but it's pretty effective, and it's probably not going to result in the death of poor bambi.

Seriously, I don't have a problem with the deed, but, like I said, she DID waste the meat.

Jeff the Baptist said...

"A simple wood chopping axe would've done the job in one hit if she had one(yeah, even in granny's hands). Sever the spine at the neck, it's not like the fawn is going to dodge."

I knew there was a good reason for that broadsword I keep downstairs. Now when does sword season start? Does that come before or after bow?

BangBangMedic said...

I agree that she coulda done alot better than beating it with a shovel, and I'd have to waste that meat. But If *I* have to wait for hunting season, so should she!

Kristopher said...

Hunting season my arse.

The whole concept of wild game being owned by the state is medieval.

I prefer the TX arrangement: game belongs to the land-owner, who will make ALL decisions about managing it.

Buck said...

She needed a FiveSeven for game that big.

Dave said...

Unnecessarily cruel indeed. It may be a cliche, but I recall a saying about the right tool for the task.
I'm as dedicated a carnivore as anyone, but I'd like bambi to go quickly and with as little pain as possible before I turn him in to dinner.

Billy Beck said...

"Would just as funny to you if it had been a puppy?"

Whose puppy?

mts1 said...

I cannot understand the outcry. Aren't these animal lovers fellow travelers with gun banners? After all, she didn't have the audacity to shoot Bambi; they should give her a medal for choosing a non-firearm style weapon. A shovel wasn't going to have a missed shot ricochet into a neighbor's kitchen. But they of course don't care about Bambi or "the children" or whatever - they want to control all human behavior, and use this stuff as a ruse.

She was foolish to just put it out front. The wisdom of 70 years should've told her to bury the thing at the edge of the flower bed, where the ground was turned and soft enough to move. Good fertilizer - Squanto taught the pilgrims to bury a fish in a garden to make it more fertile, didn't he? But stupidity doesn't warrant jail time. If it did, hell, I'd have been hung years ago.

rickn8or said...

Just remember this the next time you're tempted to traipse through some septuagenarian's flower bed.

Fenris said...

It was kind of a bad set-up from the outset. Maybe she believed that one swing would do it. Quick and as painless as she could manage.

However, once that first swing connected she was committed. How much more cruel would they have called her if she'd just left it to stumble off to die via skull fracture?

Anonymous said...

Let this be a lesson to us all, use the EDGE of the shovel, not the flat.

If you have time, take a tip from WWII Trench combat and SHARPEN the edges. (Not knife sharp, just edged.)

Effective. Silent. Dual Purpose.

Steve Skubinna said...

My Dad told me the story once about when he was working in the pea fields in Walla Walla (putting himself through college), he unexpectedly came across a badger and reflexively whacked it with his pea pole.

Once he did that, he had to keep at it until it was dead. When he finished he had one extremely dead badger and about two feet left of splintered pea pole.

Dave said...

Fenris, I don't dispute that. I expect she thought she could get it in one swing, maybe two.
A shovel just isn't the right thing to use, particularly by someone who probably needs a hand getting a mayo jar open.

perlhaqr said...

Whose puppy?

*falls over laughing*

Ah, well, at least I'll have good company in Hell... :D

I wonder if my anti-hunting acquaintences would shut up about how it's "not fair" if I took a deer with a katana...

Steve Skubinna said...

Perl, when your anti-hunting pals start, mention The Most Dangerous Game (probably my all time favorite short story). Try to sound wistful when you do. Then look at them speculatively...

Skynet's tw: UNIFIC. I don't know what they do, but I bet they're as dysfunctional as every other UN agency.

OA said...

Steve Skubinna said...
My Dad told me the story once about when he was working in the pea fields in Walla Walla (putting himself through college), he unexpectedly came across a badger and reflexively whacked it with his pea pole.

Once he did that, he had to keep at it until it was dead. When he finished he had one extremely dead badger and about two feet left of splintered pea pole.

1:33 PM, August 08, 2009

Definitely one of those "it was either me or him" moments. There are few things worse to poke with a stick than a badger.

Steve Skubinna said...

Whenever I remember that story I laugh at the idea of my Dad frantically trying to do in an angry badger as it tried to get to him.

Then I sober up when I consider how terrifying it must have been.

Then I laugh again, because... well, Dad, badger, rapidly disintegrating pea pole. My sick mind keeps imagining the scene set to "Yakety Sax."

David said...

My Uncle spotted a Badger one day when we were deer hunting. The landowner had asked us to kill any badgers or coyotes we saw while hunting so Uncle decided to appease the the guy who was letting us hunt on his property.

Since we had just gotten out of the truck and I was the only one with a rifle in my hands my uncle pulled open the glove box, and pulls out his 38 special revolver and shoots the badger.

The badger rolled over, righted itself and charged my Uncle, who immediately started shooting again, while yelling at me "Shoot it, shoot it, shoot it."

I had to roll the scope down on the rifle because of the close range of the target. So I was a little slower on the trigger than my Uncle would have liked.

All in all that badger took three round from my uncles 38 and finally one from my 30-06 before it stopped charging us. I had never shot at anything from 15 feet away with that 30-06 before.

Anonymous said...

My cousin who lives in the suburbs of DC with her three or four degrees and major lawyer-husband once complained to me about "those damn deer eating her (expensive) yard color". I told to let me know the next time and I would bring a quiet cure, heh, heh.