Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Like driving in a hole.

Thank $DEITY that the macho station wagons on stilts all you cell-phone-yammering, latte-sipping, rug-rat-swatting suburbanites have taken to driving have such crappy brakes, because I can't see what's happening on the road in front of you, and you're apparently not paying attention to it. If I leave a cut-in-front-of-me-please two-ish or three-ish car length gap between the snout of my roadster and the soccer ball sticker on the ass end of your family bus, the difference between your timid weejun on the drums and my panicked stab deep into the ABS discs should continue to more than make up for your attention-deficit driving.

I know that repeating this is fruitless and is probably just talking to hear my head roar, but Driving Is An Audience Participation Activity, Folks! The world beyond your windshield is really there and can have very real effects on your vehicle and its occupants if you don't use the provided controls to attempt to interact with it. The suction cup dealie in your window says "Precious Cargo" so drive like you believe it, okay?

18 comments:

Words Twice said...

Leaving room to maneuver is an exercise in futility. Those tailgating morons love to drive a-hole to bellybutton.

Zendo Deb said...

One can only hope that the rising cost of gas will force all of the SUVs off the road.

Breda said...

for a second there , I thought I was reading one of JayG's driving rants ;)

the pawnbroker said...

tam, i could hook up that tank driver with this:

http://poetnthepawnbroker.blogspot.com/2008/05/free-money.html

even your pocketrocket would be intimidating to this thing...

jtc

B&N said...

I think I've gotten used to the a-hole coefficient 'round these parts, however, there's just one thing I can't cope with, and that's two-footed drivers.

I'd just make my year to go 'round to each of the idiots who pulls this maneuver, force the imbecile off to the shoulder, and politely introduce their left foot to the floorboard via my framing nailer.

rickn8or said...

b&n--

By "two-footed" drivers, do you mean those 25 MPH mrfrs that brake for EVERYTHING in the roadway thicker than a shadow??

You can usually find one of them in front of me.

José Giganté said...

Why so hostile at those who drive large vehicles? Just curious as I happen to drive one (pickup).

Old NFO said...

Friend of mine got T-boned by an SUV momma two weeks ago, she was on her cell, 4 kids in the SUV ran a red light because she was not paying attention. THEN she accused him of turning in front of her!!! Almost got away with it, except for a witness in a pickup that was behind him.

The ones that REALLY scare me are the vans though...

Anonymous said...

Two footed drivers, the worst part of which is they aren't actually braking per se, they are usally just resting the left foot onthe brake pedal and causing the brake lights to flicker on and off, which drives the drivers behind them to either go nuts - or ignore their signals until it's too late.

The left foot is for the clutch, if you don't have a clutch leave it off the pedals. Jeez, how do these people pass driving tests?

But back to cell phones... and rather have a a mildly drunk person paying attention to driving thana the typical cell phone using driver I encounter - whom I often suspect as a member of MADD.

Earl said...

I am on the motorcycle, and leave space in front of me - for an SUV with attitude to slide into and make me back off again - being a timid old fellow wanting to be older, I back off. But I am almost to the point of tossing stones on my tail to get the vehicle behind me off my tail light, heavens that sissy bar isn't going to stop him.

RedneckInNY said...

Soccer-moms in their SUVs are the worst freakin' drivers. Lord knows I've lost count as to how many times I've had one of these insane bitches come flying up the rear of my 2-1/2 ton pickup truck and just sit there riding my ass. I should make up a bumper sticker that reads, "If you're going to ride my ass, at least blow me first." I'll bet they'll back off far enough so their kids don't see it and ask them what "blow me" means.

Anonymous said...

Gawd I *LOVE* SUVs!

How else am I gonna run over multiple hippies at the same time?

Seriously, where I live that's a big concern. A Toyota means I have to run over one. Then frantically reverse, perhaps dodge over to the right a bit, the run over another. Well, you see where this is going. With and SUV I just have to point and click the gas. Thomp, thomp, thomp! All at the same time. Done.

There is utility in that I say.

Cybrludite said...

Jose,

I don't think it's hating on the SUVs as much as it is hating on people who can't drive who have SUVs. They'd be due for just as much abuse if they were driving that badly in a Mini Cooper.

B&N said...

"Two footed drivers...resting the left foot on the brake pedal and causing the brake lights to flicker on and off...[the]drivers behind them to either go nuts - or ignore their signals until it's too late."

"The left foot is for the clutch, if you don't have a clutch leave it off the pedals."


Please, spread the word.

Jay G said...

Apparently all the idiots who infested your area moved northeast...

(And thanks for the compliment, breda, but my rants are far less coherent and lucid than Tam's. I compensate by using lots of invective. LOTS of invective. "Virtuoso of Vitriol", as penned by the Ambulance Driver...)

Jeff said...

Fortunately, I have enough room on the roads out here that I can leave the SUV's and lifted show trucks dwindling in my mirror. FWIW though, the left foot is for the brake, if you know what you are doing. Left foot braking to rotate the car while modulating the throttle in a corner is one of life's little joys.

B&N said...

"FWIW though, the left foot is for the brake, if you know what you are doing."

Yes, but, suffice it to say, NO ONE seems to really know how to actually do this, in my experience, so let's just say that it shouldn't be widely practiced by the proles, shall we?

Anonymous said...

Yannow, I've always thought the "precious cargo" stickers say
"hostages over here!" to the lowlifes.