Saturday, May 31, 2014

Okay, that's not as bad as I thought...

When you read a headline like:
Pennsylvania Man Stole More Than $350K of Human Flesh from Hospital
You have no imagination if you're not envisioning something like the following:
  • He's building a '10, '11, '12, '13, '14 person like Dr. Frankenstein assembling Johnny Cash's Cadillac.

  • There's some horrible Hannibal's Hamburger franchise running out of his basement, complete with passwords to get in, like a speakeasy or the Hellfire Club.

  • All that human flesh is going to be used to... Ia! Ia! Cthulhu Fthagn! ...open a portal for some dark god.
The actual story is actually kinda anticlimactic after the headline.

(As an aside, your second thought should have been "Who does a reporter call to get the current market price for human flesh? A secret extension at the Chicago Board of Trade?")

34 comments:

AndyN said...

It would take an overly broad definition of the word flesh, but my mind immediately went to Fight Club style soap factory.

og said...

Someday, I will have the body of an 18 year old again.



This time I'm gonna keep it in a refrigerator.

staghounds said...

I can hear the bus ride to Greene now-

"What are you in for?"

"Murder."

"Arson".

"Rape."

"Stealing $357,000 worth of living human skin."

"I believe we have a new cellblock boss!"

Jess said...

My initial thought was "Hannibal Lecter Cracklings" with sea salt.

armedlaughing said...

It is measured by the pound? Just wondering?
Is he making Ed Gein Signature model lampshades?

I don't get it.

gfa

Rusty Gunner said...

I'm going to take the moral high ground and refuse to make any joke about him having skin in the game.

Ed said...

No skin off my back over what he did.

Sidheshooter said...

His attorney suggests the hospital not file a criminal suit. I suggest that he was in his basement making a criminal's suit.

Kristophr said...

That would be the FLX futures exchange, run by JP Morgan.

Which is rumored to be severely rehypothecated.

Do not buy paper flesh for short or long positions. Insist of physical delivery of your pound of flesh.

AuricTech said...

Having just finished rereading Weston Ochse's second Seal Team 666 novel, Age of Blood, I was leaning toward your last explanation.

RKN said...

One thing's for sure, you can't claim he didn't have any skin in the game!

I'll let myself out...

Old NFO said...

Err.... Strange... to put it mildly...

mikee said...

Hasn't the price of a pound of flesh remained fairly stable since about 1600, at one lawyer's life per pound of flesh?

Hey, blame Shakespeare for the price fixing. I don't deal in pounds of flesh, and I try very hard not to deal with lawyers.

rickn8or said...

"Horrible Hannibal's Hamburger" franchise??

You might want to trademark that...

precision270 said...

I think I ate at that burger joint once.

Overrated. Too salty

And yes, that was my other question. Although it was actually my first.

Bubblehead Les. said...

Probably still cheaper than Beef, so I'm going with #2, Alex for $500.

Anonymous said...

Mebbe he has a flower shop!
macvs2

staghounds said...



No place to hide.

They caught him with with dermatic surveillance video.

I feel sorry for the pore victims.

Windy Wilson said...

His lawyer, Eugene P. Tinari, said. “But to take this into the criminal arena against a man who has been nothing but hard working and law abiding his entire life is a bit draconian in my view.”
If I ever take up robbing banks, I know who I'm gonna call. . .

Matt G said...

"He wants a vest with tits on it." -Dr. Lecter on Mr. Gumb's vestimentary aspirations.


Sorry, all I could think of was Jame Gumb when I saw this story.

Steve Skubinna said...

All I am thinking about now is the cheesy disaster parody film The Big Bus. The main character was a disgraced bus driver who got stuck in a mountain pass in a blizzard...

"You eat one lousy foot and they call you a cannibal. What a world!"

Dave said...

'When we had it all stitched together it sure was a sight, there was one arm on the left and two on the right. But when Igor threw the switch all three came on.

The back end looked kinda funny too, but we put it together and when we got thru, we'll that's when we noticed we only had one butt cheek'

bedlamite said...

It rubs the lotion on it's skin or else it gets the hose again.

Joseph said...

"We'll serve anyone, meaning anyone, and to anyone at all!"

At first, this theft may look a bit specialized until you remember that the skin covers everything.

Weer'd Beard said...

He's building a meat dragon!

Of course not just any meat would do!

http://youtu.be/kVzaBq4ycWg

Critter said...

He was heard to scream on his way to the cop car, "Gimme some skin!"

/old school.

Jim said...

The revenooers are still gonna want their pound o' flesh, no matter what.

Wonder if he filled out a W-9 for that $357k?



Jim
Sunk New Dawn
Galveston, TX

mc said...

He moonlights running a small publishing concern.

The material will bind a limited edition of Hillary's new book and be given to her highest donors.

Hafnhaf said...

"Do not buy paper flesh for short or long positions. Insist of physical delivery of your pound of flesh."

Whats in YOUR freezer?

Buzz said...

You could always poll the "ladies" on East Washington for the rental price of human flesh and extrapolate from there.

Sport Pilot said...

One thousand hairy cannibals gathered round for lunch obviously needed some “pork” rinds for appetizers…

global village idiot said...

"Thank you for calling Shylock and Shylock. If you know your party's extension, you may dial it at any time..."

gvi

Brad K. said...

I bet most of the former members of the Obama administration can give you a value for "a pound of flesh". And probably a few of the RINO Senators and Congresspeople.

The Brickmuppet said...

Tam. Given that they are still unclear on what he was using it for....none of your scenarios are necessarily ruled out.